Thursday, August 9, 2012
So I found out blogging just isn't for me. This isn't really a blog post. Its me using it to write an extremely long facebook post :) A good friend of mine sent me an email recently asking what was going on with me because I had been on her heart. I love her, and how her spirit is so sensitive to what God is saying to her. When she asks me questions like this it is always good for me. Unless she asks I rarely am able to put to words what I have been learning unless I need to try to explain it. So, thanks, friend. What I am about to share is how I put to words what is up with me. I rarely share personal things on facebook because for the most part I am a very private person when it comes to matters of the heart. This subject is deeply personal, but I still feel compelled to share in the hope that it can encourage someone else that is experiencing something similar. I must confess, often when I pray, I don't hear much of an answer. This week was different. I got two really clear answers, and that is what I would like to share. The conversation with God went something like this: "God, WHY did you give me a body that doesn't work as it should?! Why me of all people did you give THIS problem to?" The answer came swiftly. "I gave you a body that works right in lots of ways." Oh. That's right. I am not handicapped. I am able to care for my family even when my medication isn't right, or if I am not on the right prescription, or the right dosage. I can still function. I can do every thing I need to do for my family if not perfectly, the job still gets done. My problem is not terminal. My problem isn't even all that expensive. What I need month to month is comparably so little to what other people have to spend. I must tell you that I normally HATE answers like that. If I share something that I am struggling with with someone and they give me an answer along the lines of, "Oh, it could be so much worse because....Oh, you don't have it nearly as bad as..." It comes off like they are dismissing my pain. Its counseling 101, people, never dismiss someone's pain. This time with God, it didn't come across like He was dismissing me. He was freeing me to be thankful in my circumstances and to praise Him for all the goes right in my body without medical intervention. The next question "Why did you give this problem to ME and not to Her? It wouldn't hurt her as badly as this hurts me. You made me. You know me in and out. You know what I want more than anything else. Why are you making this a struggle for ME and not giving this problem to someone else who probably wouldn't even really care?" The answer came again. "Because this is what gets your attention. I know what matters to you, and I know what will bring you to dependence on Me. I want your attention and dependence on Me because that is what is best for you. I gave Her other struggles. The hand of cards you were dealt are different than hers. Some of your cards are bad, and some are good. The same goes for Her. She endures struggles that you know nothing about. The struggle you do know about, you couldn't handle that one. That one is for her. She can handle it. The things I have given You, and the things I have given your friends are different. They are uniquely personal. Your hardships grow your faith in Me, and give Me room to work and show off how Great I Am." That has been my gift lately. For the first time instead of feeling resentful towards God for the hardships life brings I am grateful. It brings freedom, relief, joy, and contentment to not have to be angry with God for all I think is going wrong. I see it for what it is. My Thing is drawing me to dependence and a faith that I haven't had before. A need for His presence as strong as my need for the next breath. Disclaimer: If you are reading this, and you feel like you NEED to know what this hardship is specifically, believe me, you don't really. If you are very close to me, rest assured, I have already told you. It isn't anything new. If you have no idea what I am talking about, trust me, you don't want my dirty laundry aired out of all to see. One of my heroes of faith, Beth Moore, has never given public details regarding her past sexual abuse because it does nothing to add to the testimony of her story, it just takes away from the message, and I have decided to follow her lead. The details aren't important. The message is the same: No matter what life throws at me, God is FOR Me, and FOR you, and everything is meant to draw us closer to Him if we will let it.