Hippies and Baby Daddies

I got to hang out with "the girls" for the first time since before Ethan was born. It was glorious. I love laughing with them. It is delightful in every way. One conversation I feel was worth posting.

Jenna "I love being married. I feel like being monogamous is the new free love. We are like, rediscovering it, because no one is doing it anymore. We are like hippies."

I let this sink in. I am a hippie. I always kind of suspected there was something crazy with in me. That the nice-girl-christian look was only a masquerade.
Yes. I am a Hippie.

I want to take this a step further. If Jenna is a hippie for having free love monogamous type love with her husband, then what does that make me: a girl who is having the same type of love, but is taking a step further to have babies and not use birth control. Free love, and birth control happened at the same time in the 60s. That is when women decided that they wanted to do more with their lives than have babies once a year and only have sex with their husbands. Monogamous loves, and the joy of having children were put to shame and Free Love and Birth Control were the way to be. Now I am completely counter cultural. So, yes, I would agree with Jenna that we are hippies. But if Jenna is a regular hippie, then I am the hippie on acid.

And I am going to Woodstock.

I would also like to say that the Baby Daddy has been pretty friggin' amazing lately. I am glad I married him. SUCH a good choice. He is really helpful with Ethan and is turning into such a great dad. I am glad we are hippies together.

Here Comes Trouble

I know some of you will have seen this video already posted on facebook or Ethan's blog, but I had an additional part I would like to draw to your attention. Please note the supporting role of the nasal aspirator in this video clip. I find it quite amusing, the fondness my son has for it.

Think it Through

I have this life long problem. I don't completely think things through. I think I do. Then I realize I forgot one important detail or another. Example, I thought moving to Seattle would be a good idea. Nathan could have a job he liked. It was going to be enough to support a family. We could have kids and I wouldn't have to work. Seattle seemed like a very fun place to live. All these things were true about Seattle. Actually, no, the money wasn't what we thought it would be. Cost of living was higher than expected and Nathan got completely low-balled on a job offer. We had enough to get by though. Enough that I could still stay home with Ethan. It didn't occur to me until after we moved, and after I found out I was pregnant that I had forgotten some important details like, my mom wouldn't be around to help me with the baby (stupid--i needed her, cried for her after the baby was here), traveling 3,000 miles with children in tow would be horrendous and expensive.

Well, I have done it again. I really wanted to move back to Orlando to be near my friends and not far from my family. I do not regret this choice. I think it was the right choice. We are much happier here for so many reasons. I love my friends. Ethan LOVES his grandparents and cousin, and aunt and uncle. Its like he knows they are family and they love him to pieces. My dad doesn't even like children, and he and Ethan have already formed a very special bond. It is one of the most enjoyable things I have ever seen in my life, watching them together.

The important detail I have been realizing that I forgot this time is that re-integrating into our community is a lot harder than I thought it would be, if not impossible. My friends live a very different life-style than we do now. They live like they are in their 20s...and without too many obligations beyond the basic pay rent and eat. Not that there is anything wrong with that, and if you are reading this as my friend I pray you don't take it personally. I am not judging this life-style as bad. It is just different that what I am doing now. We get these really fun invites from people for things we would love to do, but we can't. I have a little boy that needs to get to bed, and he needs his mommy to help him get there. I am pregnant which makes me tired. Very tired. I don't have the energy to go out after he is in bed if Nathan so generously offers to stay with him while I go out. I don't want to go anywhere but to the couch or to bed at that time. I am alone for most of the day with Ethan. My friends are not stay-at-home moms, so they are working or doing other, non-baby related things. The events that we are being invited to are not during the day when I am available and lonely. They are at night when I am too tired to interact. I can't ask all my friends to change for me, and I can't change for my friends either.

This problem leads me to lead a lonely life. It makes me really sad. I had so hoped to reconnect with people, but I am starting to accept that maybe it just isn't going to happen.

My other option is I can go find new mommy friends. I think mommy friends are important. I would LOVE to have someone to talk to who understood babies that won't sleep, teething, the never really feeling rested feeling, the how do I make sure my husband feels loved when I feel exhausted at the end of the day type of problems. Oh, and of course the never ending joy that babies bring. Please do not underestimate the total delight they can bring just by squealing over the discovery of something new. The problem with this scenario is that most girls my age are not mommies. They are working on careers. If they are mommies they are the leave my kid at daycare kind of mommies. Which means they have even less time to socialize.

I really don't understand this problem because the median age for a woman to give birth in this country is 25. I was 25!!! Where are all the girls my age with the babies??? I can't find them.

I hope I haven't hurt anyone's feelings by writing how I have been feeling lately about my community. It isn't meant as an attack. This is just my assessment of my situation. I don't know what to do about it, so if you have any thoughts, please share.

Today's List of Accomplishments

I really blow my own self away with how productive I am on any given single day. See below for today's list of important achievements.

1. Try to feed Ethan while he throws food to the dog and screams for me to give him things he cannot have.

2. Try to teach Ethan to say please and help instead of screaming. Give up and let him cry about whatever (I turned the lamp off).

3. Give Ethan a nap.

4. Intervene bwt Ethan and Piper all morning and afternoon during ethan's waking hours.

5. Go to the mall to look at maternity clothes because I am getting too fat for the regular ones. Decide to wait a few more weeks.

6. Listen to Ethan scream in the carseat on the way home.

7. Feed Ethan sweet potatoes and watch as he spits it out over his clothes.

8. Do laundry to wash Ethan's clothes and the clean clothes Piper peed on (no longer clean).

9. Blog while Ethan pulls out every trash bag from the box in the kitchen.

10. Clean Ethan's butt twice in 15 minutes because he is finally pooping out the crayon (orange) he ate on Saturday.

11. Try to brainstorm how I am going to tell Nathan the dog has got to go. I hate intervening and yelling at the dog and the baby all day. And she pees on stuff because she is mad about the baby. Clearly, she needs a stress free home.

Just to Clarify

So I realize what I wrote yesterday may come across that I think time outs are responsible for emotionally detached children. That wasn't what I meant. I think time outs are great. They just have an appropriate time and place and I am not certain it is best in 15 minute increments for a one year old.

Ethan, Can you Say...

I have been making a real effort to teach Ethan sign language. I have tried before and given up because he half way learns a sign, and he uses that one sign to try to communicate all things. I find that confusing. Plus, I never felt a great need for it before. I always thought I had a pretty good sense of what he wanted so sign language was never a high priority. It has now become a TOP priority. My child is given to random screams. Now, sometimes I know, it is because he is cutting a tooth. I don't blame him for screaming from pain. It is probably unexpected, and he doesn't understand what is happening, and of course...it hurts! Makes sense. He screams for other reasons, too. ALL. THE. TIME. It is making me crazy. I am a tired, nauseated pregnant woman and the constant screaming must end. He screams now because:

1. He isn't getting what he wants. He is feeling frustrated and disappointed at this.

2. A toy isn't doing what he wants it to. Frustrating.

3. He wants me to get him something or do something for him NOW.

The random screams present themselves on a minute by minute basis. I read up on the subject today (Screaming 13 month olds and 13 month old Tantrums). Some mothers suggest putting them in their cribs for a time out every time they throw a tantrum. Some times they put their babies in their cribs for 15 minutes at a time. This seems utterly ridiculous to me for three reasons:

1. A one year old has completely forgotten what they had done wrong in about ONE minute. 15 minutes is just cruel.

2. A one year old cannot internalize the word "no" to remember for the next time not to do something. They can stop what they are doing in the moment, but they will do the same thing again a few minutes later because they can't remember they aren't supposed to do something. If this tactic works on a one year old it is because they are just getting quiet and learning to not express themselves emotionally. Which leads me to #3

3. I do not want to train Ethan to not express himself emotionally. I think all of his reasons for screaming are quite valid. I too, get frustrated when I don't get what I want and have adult for of tantrums (moping, sulking, getting quiet etc.) I also want what I want when I want it. I also hate when I am working on something frustrating. I want him to be comfortable expressing these things. To teach him to not have feelings I FEEL would be detrimental to him to his long term developmental growth.

So how do I cope with the day in and day out ANNOYING screams? I am trying to teach him to say, PLEASE in sign language if he wants something and HELP if he is frustrated.

I pray this works. I'll keep you "posted."

Monday, 8am

Mondays at 8am are the most dreaded time of all. It marks the time when Nathan will be gone for 10 hours a day for 5 consecutive days. It is sad that I dread it so because it happens to be the majority of my waking hours. I want to enjoy my son. I want to live in joyful expectation of what is to come each day. I want to have Purpose and live each day to the fullest. Instead, I feel dread for when Nathan leaves. I am soooo tired from this pregnancy and being awoken frequently at night by Ethan. I don't feel like a real person. My eyes hurt, my head hurts, and I can barely concentrate on anything most of the time. Maybe in June when I am supposed to feel less tired and sick I will be more joyful about life. Until then I am trying to stay as positive as I can so I don't become depressed. Example: At least I don't live in the 1800s where I would have lived alone on a farm and had to have churned butter while trying to watch Ethan and be pregnant. I can sit in my air-conditioned apartment and watch as Ethan torments the dog and the dog has anxiety attacks. Far better than butter churning. How did those women do it? Ok. 8:30. 9 and a half hours to go until 6.

Were you There?

We visited this church in Seattle for two months when we first moved there. Nathan really liked it. I tried to. I failed. One part that really got to me was they sung this song every Sunday that drove me crazy. I found out this week that it is usually a song during Passion Week, the week leading up to Easter. So, I heard it again the other day and bad memories returned. After we stopped going to the church I began to make fun of the song and make up my own lyrics. The real song goes like this:

Were you there when they crucified our Lord?
Were you there when they nailed him to a tree?
Sometimes it causes me to tremble...tremble...tremble

I don't like these lyrics because NO of course, I was NOT there. It was 2000 years +, ok? Even if you are meaning that all mankind would have responded to Jesus the exact same way, I still don't like the lyrics. It annoys me.

One day Piper made her first killing. She killed a squirrel. I made up the lyrics to the tune of the song that I hate:

Were you there when Piper Killed the Squirrel?
Were you there when she snapped its neck in two?
Sometimes she causes me to tremble...tremble....tremble...

Everytime Piper makes a new kill we add a verse.

In Ethan's early days I was trying to figure out songs he would know from the womb to comfort him. This is the song that did the trick. I have sung this song every day mulptiple times a day for over one year now. Yesterday when I heard the real song lyrics again I have decided to stop. What if my new baby hears me singing the Piper song to Ethan and she/he likes it too? The madness will never end. This song is out of control and has taken over my life. It is stopping now.
I hate that song.

Dear Status, Time to get pregger

Since coming back to Orlando it has been my observation that many of the people that are affiliated with Status, my church, are depressed. My friend and I were discussing possible causes today. It is hard to pin point exactly. I am sure every one's circumstances are a little different. I have come up with a theoretical solution. I shared this with my friend.

"Well, I have this theory, that babies are good for the soul. They force people to not focus on themselves for a few minutes. They rediscover the joy of living and the delight of new discovery of simple things." Personal example: Ethan gets totally pumped when he sees a fountain. If you think about it, they are neat. It makes me smile to see him so excited about it. "Since part of depression is too much inward self-focus and not taking delight in the world around them, this would solve the problem. I think the people in Status need to get knocked up."

"I agree." says my friend "You should present this to Josh at Status, and the rest of the leadership."

Hmm. I had been thinking covert opps, like subliminal messages. I suppose I could pitch the idea.

Obs

In talking with other women who have gone through the child bearing process I am pretty sure it is an accurate assessment to say that women either Love their obstetrician or they have deep feelings of disdain. For me, during the last pregnancy, it was Love at First Visit. This is in a way, a love tribute, to Dr. Dawn Scheve. On the first visit she informed me that she too, has PCOS, my condition that causes weight gain, difficulty losing weight, acne, man-hair, and infertility. I have experienced all but the man-hair, thank God. I felt an immediate kinship with her since she could sympathize with my struggles. She was very laid-back and always reassuring. She praised me often for my not excessive weight-gain during pregnancy and perfect blood-pressure. She would introduce me to her students as her "perfect patient" and "laid-back patient." One way to win my heart is through sincere praise. I also adored her nurse, Beth. There were few people in Seattle I felt like I could be good friends with. She was one of them. I could picture us eating popcorn and watching the Office together. Another great part about that doctor office was the receptionist up front. She was just like Angela in the Office. At first i was put off by her rudeness but then I realized she looked and acted just like Angela. It made her so funny to me. I shared this with Beth, and Dr. Scheve who both appropriately admired my assessment of Angela the Receptionist.

The one thing that makes me sad about leaving Seattle is not having Dawn Scheve and Beth there for my pregnancy. It brought me to tears one day. That is how deep my love runs for them.

I called to schedule an appointment with a doctor in Orlando today and already I can tell they are different. I am at risk for getting a man doctor. I was appalled when looking up doctors how few obs are women in Orlando. WHAT?! What man wants to do that? What women wants him to? I feel very strongly about having a women. First, those are my female parts being examined. Second, I do not want someone delivering my baby who has not done it themselves before because there is no experience like your own. I ended up going with the office that is associated with Winnie Palmer that has the fewest male to female ratio. 9 women in the office, 3 men. Please, God, don't let there be a man examining my parts. Surely, that is not your Will for my life.

Beth Key and the No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day

Ok, so it wasn't the worst day ever. Kate, Jenn, and Melyssa came over and brought two kids that played with Ethan while we ate food and talked about scary homebirths. Kate read Oswald Chambers. That was the good part. The rest was the no good horrible very bad day.

Ethan has been cranky for pretty much the last two weeks. He took one brief intermission when Abbie and Eldin came to visit, but that is about it. He seems tired, but I can't force him to sleep. I offer him food often, so he isn't hungry. I give him ibprofen in case he is teething, so he shouldn't be in too much pain. I don't know what the deal is. He cries when he doesn't get what he wants now which is so not cute. He has been having EXTREME separation anxiety issues. He cries if I walk into another room. He wants to be held all the time. I cannot do this. One Reason is that he is 24lbs and I can't carry that all day. Another Reason is I need two hands on occasion.

Today if I washed his bottles at the sink, he stood by me tugging on my leg and cried to the entire 10 minutes. He cried while I cooked dinner. He cried any time I went out of his eye line. He cried if he crawled across the room and saw I was far away. He cried when he played with his toys and realized he needed a hug. As his mother, and the person on the planet that has the greatest biological connection to him, I find it heartbreaking to hear him cry. It is very stressful for both of us. I try to avoid it when possible. This had been happening for going on ten hours when I tried to get the ham out of the oven. Ham juice spilled all in the oven because I didn't realize that I wouldn't be able to lift it out of the oven with one hand, and a toddler on the hip. There was no way I could set Ethan down and realistically expect him to not grab the oven door. I set the ham on the oven door (oven open) yelled at the dog to not even think about going near it or she would get her ass kicked to the other side of town, ran the baby into his crib and set him down and hid his Soothie so he could find it, like a game, ran back to get the ham. Not done. Drats. I repeat this putting the baby in his crib and running back to get the ham out of the oven several times. Finally, I think it is done. Then the baby starts crying hard core in the other room. I take off the oven mitts set them on top of the stove and go and pick him up. Then I hear the smoke alarm. Thinking the ham juice is burning inside the oven I don't get too concerned. I leave Ethan in the living room(crying). I walk into the kitchen and see the oven mitts are on fire. I apparently had left the burner on from when I cooked the glaze on the stove top. I grab them (stupid in hindsight--burned my thumb and finger)throw them in the sink and dowse them in water. Fire gone. Meanwhile the smoke detector is getting louder and louder and so is Ethan's crying. The apartment is filled with smoke. So I did the only logical thing any mother would do. I pick up the baby. I open the windows. I grab my cell phone. Ethan and I go outside to wait for the smoke to clear. I call my husband. And start to bawl.

"Nathan...I started a fire!."

Oh, and I overcooked the ham while putting out the fire. At least my mashed potatoes were awesome.