Thursday, April 23, 2009

Think it Through

I have this life long problem. I don't completely think things through. I think I do. Then I realize I forgot one important detail or another. Example, I thought moving to Seattle would be a good idea. Nathan could have a job he liked. It was going to be enough to support a family. We could have kids and I wouldn't have to work. Seattle seemed like a very fun place to live. All these things were true about Seattle. Actually, no, the money wasn't what we thought it would be. Cost of living was higher than expected and Nathan got completely low-balled on a job offer. We had enough to get by though. Enough that I could still stay home with Ethan. It didn't occur to me until after we moved, and after I found out I was pregnant that I had forgotten some important details like, my mom wouldn't be around to help me with the baby (stupid--i needed her, cried for her after the baby was here), traveling 3,000 miles with children in tow would be horrendous and expensive.

Well, I have done it again. I really wanted to move back to Orlando to be near my friends and not far from my family. I do not regret this choice. I think it was the right choice. We are much happier here for so many reasons. I love my friends. Ethan LOVES his grandparents and cousin, and aunt and uncle. Its like he knows they are family and they love him to pieces. My dad doesn't even like children, and he and Ethan have already formed a very special bond. It is one of the most enjoyable things I have ever seen in my life, watching them together.

The important detail I have been realizing that I forgot this time is that re-integrating into our community is a lot harder than I thought it would be, if not impossible. My friends live a very different life-style than we do now. They live like they are in their 20s...and without too many obligations beyond the basic pay rent and eat. Not that there is anything wrong with that, and if you are reading this as my friend I pray you don't take it personally. I am not judging this life-style as bad. It is just different that what I am doing now. We get these really fun invites from people for things we would love to do, but we can't. I have a little boy that needs to get to bed, and he needs his mommy to help him get there. I am pregnant which makes me tired. Very tired. I don't have the energy to go out after he is in bed if Nathan so generously offers to stay with him while I go out. I don't want to go anywhere but to the couch or to bed at that time. I am alone for most of the day with Ethan. My friends are not stay-at-home moms, so they are working or doing other, non-baby related things. The events that we are being invited to are not during the day when I am available and lonely. They are at night when I am too tired to interact. I can't ask all my friends to change for me, and I can't change for my friends either.

This problem leads me to lead a lonely life. It makes me really sad. I had so hoped to reconnect with people, but I am starting to accept that maybe it just isn't going to happen.

My other option is I can go find new mommy friends. I think mommy friends are important. I would LOVE to have someone to talk to who understood babies that won't sleep, teething, the never really feeling rested feeling, the how do I make sure my husband feels loved when I feel exhausted at the end of the day type of problems. Oh, and of course the never ending joy that babies bring. Please do not underestimate the total delight they can bring just by squealing over the discovery of something new. The problem with this scenario is that most girls my age are not mommies. They are working on careers. If they are mommies they are the leave my kid at daycare kind of mommies. Which means they have even less time to socialize.

I really don't understand this problem because the median age for a woman to give birth in this country is 25. I was 25!!! Where are all the girls my age with the babies??? I can't find them.

I hope I haven't hurt anyone's feelings by writing how I have been feeling lately about my community. It isn't meant as an attack. This is just my assessment of my situation. I don't know what to do about it, so if you have any thoughts, please share.


  1. oh beth! I will pray for mommy friends and for time(with God), peace, rest and contentment in all of what you're going through. I wish I could help. :( love you my friend!

  2. I wish we were there, because I know what you're going through (minus the also being pregnant part). Many of my days are occupied by the same kind of thoughts. I cried many tears over the thought of having my baby while so far away from my family. Even now I just can't dwell on it because it's too upsetting. I don't have many helpful suggestions, because I'm still struggling with this too. If you're braver than I am about meeting new people, you could look into those mommy-and-me type groups. I'm setting a goal for myself (it's small, but it's something) to take the wee one to a baby group that meets at our library during the summer.

    I'm thinking of you Beth! Wish I could be there to hang out and have the kiddos play together. Please know that you're not alone in how you're feeling! -Rebekah

  3. Thanks for this, Rebekah! I am not very good at seeking out new relationships. That is a part of my problem. There is a mommy and me group at our church but it meets during Ethan's nap time in the morning so I never go. At the time, Ethan getting a nap is my top priority because we are both miserable when he is tired and cranky. You are right. I need to just set a deadline for myself and find a group that meets at 12pm or something. Thanks for the encouragement!