McDonald's

I don't eat fast food. I gave it up when my eating disorder quest began 9 years ago. Even though I am over the eating disorder, I never got back into eating fast food. I always feel greasy and disgusting after eating. I don't feel I have made good life choices. Unless I am pregnant.

We had just moved to Seattle during the first pregnancy. I picked Nathan up from work because his boss still hadn't secured him a parking space downtown. I called him when I reached his building.

"I need you to google Arby's before you come down here."
"Why?"
"I need it. Just do it. I'm starving. It has to be Arby's."

He comes down to the car about 5 minutes later. We drive up and down either 2nd or 3rd Street looking for it. After 20 minutes or so Nathan suggested giving up.

If you have ever been pregnant, you know that when you are hungry, you need to eat NOW. Not 10 minutes from now. It had been past 10 minutes and I was getting a little frantic. I couldn't not have my craving. It was the only thing that sounded like an acceptable meal.

"The only other one is in Burien." Nathan informed me. Burien is south of Seattle. I immediately turn the car on to 99 and head to Burien. I didn't know where to go once I got there but I was confident my sixth sense would kick in and I would find the Arby's. I am really proud to say...I did it. The craving was satisfied and it was all that I ever hoped it would be. It was a close call though.

This morning I woke up and nothing sounded good. Nothing. I reconciled myself that the new baby and I would have to wait until lunch time to eat because all breakfast food sounded repulsive. I have even given up coffee. Then it struck me. I absolutely had to have a Sausage Egg and Cheese Biscuit from McDonald's. Then I tried to talk sense into myself. I don't like fast food. I will feel icky. I will regret this life choice. I will spend money. I was getting hungrier and hungrier and Ethan had been fussy all morning. I decided, if that is the only thing that sounds good, and I have to endure his bad mood, I might as well do it happy. I drove 2 seconds away to the nearest McDonald's (looove where i live). I also got Orange Juice which my new baby also wanted. I hate Orange Juice. I took it back home. The lady got my order wrong. It was just a Sausage Biscuit. Murderous thoughts run through my mind as I think of the overweight chick who took my order. I banish them. She probably misheard me. Ethan begins to cry big fat tears and screaming quite loudly. I guess hunger is his problem. I quickly scramble and egg for us to share and put my half on my Sausage Biscuit. I alternate between taking bites for myself and drinking juice and shoving egg in Ethan's mouth. Sigh. I feel happy and content. After a fast food experience.

Glimpse of our Marriage: For Megan

Every night we try to give Ethan one last bottle before we go to bed so that he will sleep as long as possible without waking from hunger. Sometimes he will take the bottle, and sometimes he won't. The times that he will, it is usually when I feed him and the times that he won't is usually Nathan giving it a shot. Last night I let Nathan take a turn. I was tired. The dialogue went something like this:

"Does he need a bottle?" Nathan
"Yes"Beth. Nathan pauses to see if I am going to do it. I use my nonverbals (getting under the covers and closing my eyes) to communicate that it is going to be his turn. Nathan goes into the kitchen and comes back.
"I can't do it." Nathan
"Try putting it into his mouth." Beth
"I can't find it." Nathan
"Try the middle of his face." Beth. Nathan tries not to laugh.
"I did that." Nathan. I give a huge exaggerated sigh. I take the baby and try to give him the bottle. His hair smells like Nathan's armpit. I inform Nathan of this.
"What do my armpits smell like?"
"Smell his hair and find out."
Nathan sniffs. "I don't smell anything. Must be your enhanced sense of smell from pregnancy. Or maybe you are making it up."
"Uh, I definitely know what your armpits smell like, ok?"
Ethan turns his head.
"Ok. That means he doesn't want it." I hand the bottle to Nathan. "Can you wash that out?" I start getting Ethan back into a nice sleep state.
Nathan comes back and gets into bed. For some reason I do not understand he takes the baby from me and cuddles with him. Whatever. I turn to my comfy place and close my eyes.
"I forgot my phone. I need it for the alarm in the morning." Nathan
"Wow. I hope you can wake up without it. Or be okay with not going to work." Beth
"I need you to go and get it for me." Nathan
"I can't. I am sleeping." Beth
"No, you are not." Nathan. I begin to fake snore.
"Come on. Please."Nathan
"Get Piper to do it. She's up." Beth
"Its on the top of the counter." Nathan
"Piper? Did you hear that?" Beth
"Beth."
Another exaggerated sigh. I get up and get his cell phone.

Could Have Been So Much Worse

Ethan has been sleeping terribly which means I have been sleeping even more terribly. He woke up cranky. He didn't want me to do anything but hold him. He cried if I put him down. He screamed if Nathan tried to touch him. He took a 20 minute nap in the morning when I so desperately needed to sleep. The crying when I put him down routine continued. Then Kate came over and took him on a walk so I could take a shower. Followed by Jenn and my new pal Melyssa. We had breakfast, and they tried to cheer Ethan up. It didn't work, but it really touched my heart that they tried. When they left he took a two and a half hour nap and woke up happy. He didn't get clinging for another couple of hours. I think he is going through a bit of a rough patch because he is upset his dad isn't around all the time. I think he might be worried that I am going to leave too or something.

As I was reflecting on my day I realized how I am so very lucky to live in Orlando now. If I had lived in Seattle, I wouldn't have had the Delights of My Heart Ladies to come and visit and give me a reprieve of CrankyPantsBaby. So, my day really wasn't that bad.

Picture People: Sneaky Bastards!

I knew it could happen. I took my chances. I really love my sister-in-law, Christa. When she called me to ask if I would be interested in going to the Picture People at the Brandon Towne Center to get the babies' pictures taken together, I said YES. I would love to. I love getting together with Christa and Paige. Plus, Ethan likes to get out of the apartment and go on adventures. I told myself I would only buy pictures of them together. For the grandparents. That was it.

The trouble started when Paige didn't really feel like smiling for the camera during her solo pictures. And Ethan did. The camera lady kept snapping his pictures, and he kept smiling, clapping, and giving adorable baby poses as if he had been waiting his whole life to be a baby model. I watched in fascination as my child grinned straight at the camera and I knew our Discover Card statement would be a bit higher than usual.

It turned out to be worse than I thought. His pictures were more adorable than I could have imagined. How could my offspring have turned out so good-looking? I was totally screwed. Sigh. I did my best to control myself, but the urge to have them all was very great. Its as if I get some sort of drug high when I see cute pictures of my baby.

Click here to see what i am talking about. Username: angel83306@aol.com password: babypaige

http://smilestore.picturepeople.com/pn/tpp/home

Nachos

I did this the last time. I get a positive test and I question the results because the baby seems like an abstract concept. I don't look or feel pregnant. What if I am not really? I was relaying this particular fear to Nathan. He assured me of my knocked up state. Ethan and I went and took a nap (because I was awake from 3-5 worrying about my in-laws coming to visit after the baby comes). I woke up from the nap and I couldn't stop thinking about how good it would be to have baked beans over chips with cheese on top. I never eat chips. I only eat beans if I am making a step towards healthy eating because they are an all-natural form of carbs and protein all wrapped into one. Definitely not a pleasure food. Not only did I have to have it...I had to have it NOW. We proceeded to go to the store immediately. I ended up making chili over Nachos. A compromise for the sake of my marriage. Still good. I hope this new baby will keep our health in mind for future cravings. And I hope it is craving chili because we have a lot.

Was it Planned?

Is the question I have been getting lately. Well, to answer all of your questions:

Well, uh, it wasn't, NOT planned...I am fully aware of how babies are made so I knew the ramifications of...you know...and Nathan and I were fine with that.

Last time to get preggers I went on Clomid (fertility meds) because I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS also affects my blood sugar and reproductive hormones along with my inability to ovulate. Because it affects my blood sugar I h can't lose weight no matter how perfectly and consistently I diet and exercise. I was getting really frustrated with the process so I went to my old doctor that I saw in Orlando that gave me the clomid to get preggers in the first place. She prescribed metformin, a drug for diabetics, and a progesterone. This was, again, to help me loose weight. While setting my blood sugar and hormones in balance it also did the job of helping my ovaries to make an egg instead of a cyst. When my blood sugar rises I make a cyst, not an egg. With this fixed I made an egg apparently, five days after starting the drugs. I knew it was possible the drugs would do this, I just did not realize how soon...so that part was a little surprising :)

If you made it through all that, the conclusion is, I will not be losing weight, I will be gaining. I will be gaining a lot.

But I am excited. Beyond excited.

I am a little scared though. Next blog: my fears.

I Peed On It. Its Mine!

Exactly one year after Ethan was born, the results are in.

From album

Yes, Ethan will be a big brother.

Due November 23rd.

This Day Almost OneYear Ago

1. I pushed an 8lb baby out my vag

2. I was awake for 40hrs straight. Then I took a hour cat nap and was awoken by a nurse to take my "vitals." Lucky for her I was too shocked and confused to punch her in the face.

3. I lost 10lbs in one day! In fact, in the matter of 10 minutes or so.

All firsts for me, and quite unforgettable. I post this today because

a) I have time
b) this is really when the epic tale of labor began

To relive the moments click here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKwWeVuQJBs

The In-laws

They are here. I am trying to stay positive. I am doing some cognitive-behavioral therapy on myself. Change your thoughts, and your feelings will follow. Ok, positive thoughts.

1. They leave Monday night. Wait, strike that, that goes on the negative list because that seems really far away.

2. We live in Orlando now. In Seattle we all stayed in our apartment. Alone. And together. So together. Now they can go and visit their old friends. Yes. Lets hope so.

3. They are staying in a hotel and not our one bedroom apartment. I can eat breakfast with only worrying about the one year-old pulling on my leg instead of morning conversation. I loathe early morning conversation.

4. I can choose how people treat me. Now there IS a positive thought. Thank you, Dr. Phil. I knew all those years of watching you would not go in vain.

5. We will have Ethan's first birthday party for the afternoon Saturday. That will be a nice distraction in the middle of the visit. Maybe I can give her lots of jobs to keep her busy to help with the party. Or maybe I can do it and it will keep ME busy. Too busy for lots of conversation. I will probably have to leave to go to the store multiple times.

6. I can make my workouts longer with my mother-in-law here to watch Ethan. That gives me an escape. Maybe I will double my work-out time.

7. Maybe some of my friends will call me up and we can go and have a very important visit. A visit that cannot be delayed.


There. It won't be so bad. Please, friends, call me.

Gaylord Palms

I went to Hotwire.com and got a room at the Gaylord Palms for $99 per night. We were totally stoked. We said when Nathan got a job we would go on vacation, I would get a new outfit and a haircut. My hair hadn't seen a professional since June. I looked hideous. I decided to go to the salon at the resort. I had previously planned on going to Shelby at Shelbydoesyourhair.com However, I am prone to impulsive decisions when it comes to hair choices. I go to the salon and am greeted by my hair dresser. She looks at least 10 years older than my mom. Nothing like Shelby at all. I am feeling hesitant. What if she gives me an old lady haircut? I consider turning around and running out of the salon but I have on these new cheap sandals from Target to go with my new expensive dress from Tommy Bahama and they are really hurting my feet. I don't think I can escape without tripping and falling and making a scene. To save myself from public humiliation I shake her hand and follow her to the chair.

"So, what are we doing today?" Old lady says.

"Um, well, I wanted to get you know, a haircut." I reply, stating what I thought was obvious.

"What were you thinking about in particular?"

"Oh. Well. I need you to make me not look like a momfrump, make it short but still able to wear in a ponytail when i go to the gym, stylish like i am older than 15 less than 30, and don't make my face look fat. Can you do this?" I am thinking she better for what they charge here...

"You do not have a fat face!" Um, lady, you didn't see my face 3 years ago! You don't realize what has happened to me since. Are my internal thoughts.

She goes about her work as I read a magazine article about how people are ok with infidelity now. The wives didn't want to be bothered with sex anyway, men get a mother for their children and an additional lover and don't have to beg their wives for sex, and the girlfriends get to focus on professional careers and have a boyfriend. The ideal situation for all. The article is making me a little sick to my stomach. Or it was this mornings breakfast.

"So, how do you feel?" The old lady keeps asking me when my hair has been chopped. Seriously, she has asked me this at least 3 times.

"oh. lighter?" what am I supposed to say here? since she keeps asking i am guessing that is not the right answer.

She finishes and I look in the mirror. I see...a big. brown. poofball. dang it. sigh.

"thanks. so, how am i supposed to tip you? can i charge it to the room?" i am trying to be all business so i can leave.

I desperately try to tame down the poofball on my way back up to the room. when i get inside the hotel room it is flatter. ok. now it isn't so bad. maybe i should have been a little more generous with the praise to the old lady. ahh. i will tip her well.

Dear DSL

Dear Daylight Savings,

I owe you an apology. I have spent my whole life resenting your very existence. I have loathed that you not only take away an hour of my critical sleep year after year, but from the rest of the country as well. Do you want people to be sleep-deprived? Every spring I renew my vow to ignore you completely. I repent of my hateful thoughts.

This year, my son woke up at 7am my time. He was cranky before he even opened his eyes. I spent the next two hours trying to cheer him up. Didn't work. I offered food and he flung it away and yelled in disgust "nuuu." I take away the food and he whines implying "how dare you?" He cried for me to pick him up, put him down, for me to pick up the thing he dropped for the upteenth time. He crawls away from me and then points to me and cries implying "i want you. why are you so far away?" Then my husband says, "Hey, since its daylight savings time, Ethan gets to go nap an hour early." I feel the clouds in my heart begin to lift. My heart shines with hope renewed. Yes. Naptime early. I lay him down to sleep after 20 minutes of rocking. I sneak away to go to the gym. I grab my book and my cell phone. Yes, he will probably wake in 30-40 minutes and cry and wonder why I have left him in the crib (aka Gitmo). But that is his big Daddy's problem now isn't it? I'm going to exercise away my morning choice of pancakes and my book from the library.

Your Friend, Beth

Naked

My son kicks his legs into the air and laughs as his naked bottom hits the soft sheets on the bed. He squeals with delight as he feels all the different textures across his naked self. He truly represents to me someone who delights in the wonder of living and all the good life has to offer when he is in this state. Naked. He sees me coming with a diaper and jammies in hand. He makes a quick turn onto his stomach and crawls quickly to the bedpost. He begins to baby pole dance to the headboard. He looks back at me and smiles with a gleeful glint in his eye. I advance forward trying not to crack up with laughter. He makes his next move by getting down from his pole dance to crawl to the opposite side of the bed that I am trying to grab him from. I leap across the mattress and grab him by the feet before he plummets head first onto the floor. I turn him over and do my best to wrestle the diaper on. He gives mournful wails. His last plea to postpone the inevitable doom that will become his reality. Bedtime.

15 minutes later he has been diapered, pajammed, fed, and we are rocking in the dark bedroom. The cries of despair have ceased. He lays his head on my chest (his little pillows). He reaches his little hand up and strokes my cheek and whispers, "Mama." I melt and have overwhelming feelings of love toward my little one. Then he takes his precious little finger and pokes me in the eye and giggles.

Just a Start

I would just like to say, that I do not think I should blog. I am not sure it is a wise investment of my time. I am doing this at the insistence of a very funny and dear friend of mine and I would do anything to amuse her. If you choose to read this blog I just want to say now, before you think it first, that I will not:

1. Have the deep insight and gift of writing beautiful words as say, that of http://darlingkate.blogspot.com

2. Have the incredible humor that is http://pinapplesauraus.blogspot.com

3. Have the thought provoking conversation starters that is http://www.nathankey.com/blog.html

4. And certainly not the incredible amazingness that is http://ethankey.blogspot.com and http://pageforpaige.blogspot.com

But I will present my thoughts as they come. After I watch this week's episode that is LOST, and sleep some. I try to live based on my values, and that my friends, is what I choose to value at this time. Thanks for reading.