A Good Thought and FAQs

Today we had lunch with some people that Nathan knows that go to the church we have been attending. I have to say, I felt REALLY bad about having them make us lunch. They have a 3 year old, an 18 month old, and a baby that was born the beginning of September. But the invite was out there, and we DO want to be friends, so what can you say? Sorry, you have too many children and you probably don't get enough sleep so we cannot be your guests. So we went. The mother of the children said something that both Nathan and I thought was worth thinking about it. Her little 18month old was giving things. Toys, random objects, whatever. Ethan likes to do that, too. When he meets someone new he always looks for something to give them. I think my brother's mother-in-law got the pepper shaker and an elmo last night. Anyway, Nathan commented that the little girl was such a sweet giver. The mother said, "Attachment parented kids don't mind giving because they have all their needs met. They don't feel they have to take everything." Hmmm. I never thought about it like that. It made me feel encouraged that maybe we did do the right thing in how we have been parenting. A lot of people in my life are naysayers against Attachment Parenting, and I have to admit, I don't have any experience turning out amazing kids, so Ethan is kind of a test run on this whole parenting thing Nathan and I have been trying out.

Ok, on to FAQs. My friend, Kate, keeps giving me blog ideas, but I am not sure I have enough to say about each particular idea, so I have compiled them into a form of questions that I am frequently asked and the answers that I would LIKE to give. I do NOT actually give these answers. I say something far more polite, but this is my dream of what I would say if I had no convictions on how to treat others, and my own set of balls.

1. Q: When are you due?
A: I am not pregnant. My husband just likes to grab a little something extra around the middle and I like to be able to provide that.

2. Q: Do you know what you are having?
A: I do. And its not your business. You are a stranger and have no right to my personal information. Besides, you will probably end up being one of those people I run into after my baby is born and call it a "she" when he is clearly dressed in blue or sports stuff.

3. Q: Do you have a name picked out?
A: Yep. Jesus. We are naming him after this great guy we know. A personal hero, if you will.

Frequent Statements

4. S: Wow, your stomach keeps getting bigger and bigger!
R: Yeah, that is usually how it works.

5. S: You are doing great! (said in context of me at the gym)
R: I cannot believe you are giving me feedback on my workout. What if I did that to you? Wouldn't you find that a bit odd?

I know. I am a rude, mean person on the inside. I think the problem is, I am a very shy person, and having random people that I do not know give me attention and ask personal questions just really embarrasses me, and bothers me. I prefer to keep a low profile. Please, gush over my baby when he gets here, but ignore the gigantic stomach and do NOT ask me again any of the FAQs.

I do have just a couple of questions of my own to the world around me:

Is there anything else you want to know about my private life? Really. Anything at all. Would you like to be kept up to date on how my labor is progressing? Like, have I passed the mucus plug, has my water broken, can anyone see the head, do you want to be fed a live feed on a website so you can watch the baby exit my vag? Just lemme know. I am only to happy to satisfy your curiosity.

By the Way, any of these questions that are asked my good friends and family, I am more than happy to provide real, true, and polite answers.

You know its time to go into labor when...

You know its time to go into labor when:

1. Your maternity clothes don't fit anymore.

2. Your one year old has to help you out of bed.

3. Your one year old keeps falling out of your lap and grabbing on to your tender boobs as handles to help him back up.

4. Your baby can simultaneously kick your diaphragm and punch your cervix. I mean, really. There is Just. No. More. Room.

5. You can no longer sit or lay down comfortably and standing makes your back and feet ache.

6. You long for drive-thru grocery stores because the idea of walking back to your car that is parked far away in 95 degree heat when your one year old may or may not be screaming a protest about one thing or another makes you want to cry.

7. You are losing sleep because of being uncomfortable and it really seems like you might as well just have the baby because at least then when you are not sleeping, it won't be because you are uncomfortable, but because you are spending time with an amazing new little person.

8. Your belly button sticks out like a thermometer on a cooked thanksgiving day turkey signaling that you are indeed, "done."

9. When random strangers ask you when you are due you and you say, you aren't pregnant and that your husband just likes a little something extra in the middle, they know you are lying.

10. You start blogging about these silly things because that is all you think about when you are trying to go to sleep and can't because as I mentioned, you are uncomfortable.

Baby Brother Doll

So, I haven't blogged for a while because my in-laws came and the only things I had to write about that were funny to me, I didn't feel they were appropriate to blog about...Certain people may not share my sense of humor over certain situations, and I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings for the sake of a funny blog. After they left Ethan got sick, and then my car broke down three times, and I have only recently been inspired to write about something that isn't me gripping. This is my latest story-

Ethan received his first baby doll. He had never shown interest in his cousin Paige's dolls. He would pick them up and laugh, give them a little shake, and when he realized that they didn't light up, make music, or do anything he finds entertaining, he would toss it to the side and search for something more to his liking. Now he has a "baby brother doll." We gave it to him to help teach the concept of what we will do with a little baby when it comes. To my shock and disbelief, this is his new favorite game. He LOVES Baby Brother Doll. He asks me to change his diaper, and fix his swaddle if it becomes loose. He does his best to make sure the pacifier is placed where it belongs, in Baby Brother's mouth. He carries him around, and is delighted by my suggestions to put Baby Brother Doll in the bouncy seat. He gives Baby Brother Doll lots of hugs and kisses. He absolutely does NOT want Baby Brother Doll to go to bed. If we suggest such a thing he cries and pleads, "no, no, no." I hand Baby Brother back to him and tell him, "lets put Baby Brother back in his bouncy seat, then." Nathan is a bit more, shall we say, strict, than I am, and enforces Baby Brother Doll's nap time despite Ethan's tearful protests.

I am really hoping, that Ethan will like the real Baby Brother when he comes. At least half as much as the doll would be great.

Nesting

I made up a poem.
Nesting, oh, nesting
I hate you, you stink
I wish I could wash you away in the sink.
Okay, I stole a good portion of that from the poem Homework. For some reason my nesting instinct that tends to strike all mothers in the final days of pregnancy hits me early. Last time I was 29 weeks along. This time, again, I was 29 weeks. I am currently 30 for those of you who like to keep up on this kind of thing. For Ethan, at 29 weeks I started buying everything I thought I needed and set up the room. It took several weeks, and then the cleaning started. We were living in our apartment in Seattle so there was really only so much cleaning to be done so when I finished all the usual cleaning I would sit and stare around and try to figure out what I should clean next. Cleaning the blinds was my focus project. I spent hours at a time, which turned into days of cleaning those stupid blinds. I would scrub and scrub, then dry, and then stand back and examine my work. It was never good enough. I finally stopped when my arms and back hurt too much to continue. Blinds 1, Beth 0. I don't think I ever bothered to clean them again after that. Last week I spent an hour and a half scrubbing my kitchen. I always spend a lot of time on the counter tops because it is hard to tell if they are clean because of the color. I clean them and then feel them with my hand. Again, never clean enough. I scrubbed the cabinets, the handles, the refrigerator, cleaned out the refrigerator and cabinets of old food, cleaned the dishwasher, scrubbed the sink, and then Ethan needed to eat lunch and take a nap so I stopped. I was also on a smell rampage. I smell pee all the time. Baby pee, dog pee, its everywhere. I was determined to exterminate it. Nathan went to the store to buy air freshner to stop my frenzy. This week I have the carpet cleaners scheduled for Tuesday to get rid of it in the carpet and I bought baby gates to keep Piper out of the carpeted areas for the rest of her existence. The thing is, I hate cleaning. I am not one of those people that enjoys it and gets satisfaction from it. My problem is, I like it clean, and my cleaning is never good enough for me so it consumes me. It concerns me that I have 10 weeks approximately of pregnancy left and a lot more square footage to live in than the last time I was pregnant and I worry about my obsessive compulsive nesting taking over or that I will clean it and it won't stay that way because I have a messy one-year old now. So I hate nesting. I wish I could live in ignorant bliss of dust, mold, and pee smells.

Sugar and Spice vs. Puppy Dog Tails

After a long wait at the doctor office Ethan really needed to move (no gestational diabetes btw-fudge here I come). We went to the park with my niece, Paige-20 months, and my sister-in-law, Christa-age not disclosed. Ethan and I arrived first. After 10 seconds on the swing he wanted down. He made a beeline for one of the jungle gyms and tried to climb up the slide backwards, which he did by the way, and I was very impressed. When he gets to the top of the jungle gym he sits in a puddle of dirty water and then puts his face in it. He looks at me in shock and disgust. "Yes, Ethan, that is yucky. Yucky." He slaps the puddle as if to make it pay for tasting so bad. Enter Paige. Ethan climbs down the jungle gym as fast as he can to say hi to his cousin. Paige comes prancing toward us in a pink dress, white socks, black patent leather shoes, a pink bow on top of her head, and pink sunglasses. She immediately heads for the swings that Ethan has rejected. Once her mom has her in the swing she grips the ball she brought ferociously as to protect it from Ethan's hands. Ethan runs the other way and proceeds to explore all the playground has to offer. 30 seconds digging in the sand, 5 seconds on the teeter totter, 10 seconds for the big kid swings on my lap. He hunts for something else to do. I point to Paige who is still sitting serenely in her swing. Christa is standing 6 feet away in the shade. This looks like an ideal situation to me. "See Paige? Lets go see Paige." Ethan runs to the swings. Something about the situation he finds funny and he laughs. He darts over to the tallest slide in the park and begins to make his way to the top. I follow after to make sure he doesn't fall. Christa and I are close enough to chat now and we are discussing schools, I think. I notice Ethan is diving head first down the slide. "Ah! Christa! Can you catch him at the bottom?" Christa graciously runs to the slide and catches Ethan before he lands headfirst into a dirty pile of water on the end of the slide. This gives Ethan an idea. He begins to take fist fulls of sand and pile it in the dirty water. Christa and I stand back in the shade as Paige sits in her swing calmly, still clutching her ball, and Ethan puts sand on the slide. Out of the corner or my eye I see him putting sand down his shirt and laughing about it. Ethan runs over to the tire and tries to figure out why it is supposed to be interesting. It isn't. He goes back to digging. I look at my little boy, wet, dirty, and smiling. I look at Paige. She is as pretty as when she came. The difference between boys and girls hits me. "Can you believe you are going to have TWO boys?" Christa asks. No, I really can't sometimes. "Its really going to be something." I say staring at my dirty happy little boy. Christa and I decide it is really hot and we should take them to get something to eat. "Ethan, lets go bye-bye." He runs to the car at full speed, trips, and gets back up again and runs to the door of the car. He tries to open it. I think being the one to open the car door symbolizes power to him. I hear Paige screaming at the top of her lungs behind me, "NO!NO!NOOOOO!!!" as her mom is putting her in the car seat. I guess moms of little girls have issues, too.

Friday Night Entertainment: LIVE!

Some people go to parties on Friday nights. Some go to concerts. Others go to the movies. Or so I have heard, anyway. Nathan and I spent our time watching Ethan. He is learning that if he spins around multiple times, that he will get dizzy, and he finds this very funny. He spins. He stops. He tries to walk in a straight line. He gets woozy. He laughs hysterically. Repeat. Nathan and I laugh too. We are all entertained.

Inner Beauty Goal Update

I just thought I would come clean. In my last post I made a few goals based on the principle that I would focus on my Inner Beauty because my outer beauty was looking pretty bleak with my butt growing at approximately the same rate as my uterus/stomach region. Every year my parents and paternal grandparents give me a hefty amount of birthday money. It is the one reason I continue to look forward to birthdays. I don't usually have all that much spending money that I feel I can really spend on myself with out feeling guilty, because I am a stay-at-home mom and that means being cautious of spending so I can continue to stay-at-home with my babies without stressing out my husband (well, trying to keep the spending stress on low instead of high for him at least). Last year I didn't use all my birthday money up until December. This year it is gone before birthday week has come to a close. I have spent all of it, and a little more than all of it, on myself. Not just on myself, but on my Outer Beauty Quest which was supposedly null and void. I lied. I spent almost $200 on make-up from Lancome, and over $500 on a hair treatment that makes my hair stay straight so that I don't have to a) blow-dry my hair and neglect my busy one year old while he gets into who-knows-what b) feel bad about myself because I never take care of my hair and look bad every single day. (I am embarrassed to tell you the actual amount, but I would also like to say there WAS a generous tip envolved). I would also like to mention that I didn't buy any new clothes. Lastly, Ethan spilled water on my computer and all blogs from here on out will not include paragraphs as my enter key does not work. Anyway, I feel these purchases will improve my quality of life because if I am going to be tired with dark circles under my eyes, be covered in food that is leftover from my toddlers grubby hands, and soon to be covered in spit-up, at least my make-up and hair is in tact.

My Fat A@!

My butt is getting bigger. It isn't just my stomach region. Nathan confirmed this yesterday. Several times, actually. For this, he is still being punished.

I have given up on cultivating outer beauty and I shall focus on Inner Beauty.

Goals:

1. Gracefully ignore Nathan's clothes that are always on the floor and the dishes that never seem to make it into the dishwasher. Bitterness shall not take root.

2. Empathize with Ethan's extremely powerful emotions on not getting what he wants instead of rolling my eyes and walking away.

3. Not stare at people's crooked teeth and inside my head call them snaggletooth.

That ought to do it.

Dr. Visit

I took Ethan to the doctor last week for a check-up. My conversation with the nurse prior to seeing the doctor went something like this.

Nurse: Do you have any health concerns?

Me: Health concerns? Uh, I don't know if this is a health concern, but um, he has really terrible, horrible smelling gas. Its like, really bad. He could clear a room.

The nurse jots this down on her sheet.

Nurse: Is he eating well? Sleeping Well? Regular bowel movements? As in every few days?

Me: Regular bowel movements? He poops 3-5 times a day! Is that normal? Seems a little much to you too, yeah?

Nurse: No, that is normal.

Drats. I was hoping for a suggestion in how to change his diet for less poop.

Me: Well, about the eating well, I have to practically force feed him. He won't sit still to eat. I chase him around the house with food all day. Then he pulls it out of his mouth and throws it on the floor or hands it to the dog. As far as sleeping well, I can't say he is particularly found of sleep either. As in, he wakes up at night still a lot, and the longest he can go without a bottle at night is 6 hours.

Nurse: That is normal for his age. Most babies go for 6-10 hours. He is still in the normal range. Just feed him more high calorie foods to keep his weight up if you are concerned about him not eating enough.

Ha. If she only knew how hard I try to do that very thing.

Nurse: Do you have any other questions for the doctor that you would like me to write down to make sure she addresses it on this visit?

Me: Uh, no. I think other than the smelly gas, pooping all the friggin' time, not being able to get him to eat or sleep like other children should pretty much cover my concerns.

Nurse: Ok. The doctor will be in shortly.

I sigh. I look at my only-in-a-diaper-cutie and wonder how I am going to keep him from damaging expensive medical equipment during our interim period as I highly doubt she will be in "shortly."

Further Conversations with Ethan

I bought a book for Ethan entitled, Baby on the Way, by the Sears. It is a little too mature for him. I think it is meant for 2.5-5year olds. I spend most of my time pointing to the people in the pictures and explaining the pictures. Today after we "read" the book, I say,

"Ethan, mama is going to have a baby. You get to be a big brother. Would you like to be a brother?"

Ethan claps his hands. "Yeh."

Oh, good. That is a relief. I was kind of worried about it.

Ethan had one of his first real conversations with his dad today.

Nathan: "Ethan, why don't you come over here?"

Ethan "No."

HAHAHA.

Yes, my little precious has learned to say no. Its funny now. Not so sure about tomorrow.

Sleep Training Day

Ethan has been learning that there is our bed, and there is his bed. This week he has decided he would like to sleep in our bed. If we do not put him in our bed he will wake up repeatedly and refuse to go back to sleep for long periods of time until we cave and bring him in our bed because we are too tired to deal anymore.

After a few nights of sleeping 4 hrs and feeling a bit delerious and desperate, we have begun to train him to sleep independently. Happy Independence Day, Ethan! I have been researching fervently my different options. Since I found three authors that say about the same thing, I selected The Baby Whisperer method since she was the most specific in what we should do (I am an extreme S in the meyers-briggs and I cannot stand vague). In case you all are interested, I am keeping a log to forever remember what my life was like training my child to Sleep Like A Normal Baby. I am feeling good about my choice. I have been praying for months that I would figure out a way that would teach Ethan to sleep well without psychological damage, and a way that would not drive me crazy.

Night One

Nathan begins the nighttime ritual of bath, book, bottle, bed at 7pm. One hour later he comes of out of the room saying, "I don't think he is really sleeping."

True.

10 minutes later Ethan cries. I go in ready to start the Baby Whisperer suggestions. From now on we will not:
1. Rock Ethan to sleep.
2. Bring Ethan into our bed.
3. Pick him up when he cries.

I am to do the following. Lay him back down in his crib. Keep my hand on his back until he falls asleep so that he knows that I have not abandoned him, and he doesn't need to be afraid to go to sleep. Repeat each time he wakes up crying and doesn't put himself back to sleep.

I do this for 55 minutes. My pregnant belly is having a hard time making it over the crib to lean down and keep my hand on his back. My back is killing me. Nathan comes in and takes over. He reemerges from the room 10 minutes later. It is 9:30pm.

Ethan sleeps for one hour-10:30pm. Nathan goes back in. Comes to bed at 11pm.

Ethan sleeps until 4:40am. I get up and go to him. Back to bed at 5am. Lay there until 6am trying to fall back to sleep. Nathan's alarm goes off (on a weekend. drats) wakes up Ethan. Nathan goes to Ethan and Ethan decides 6am is a fine time to get up and start the day.

Please know that at the beginning of every Ethan-Wake-Cycle there was much cursing, weeping, and gnashing of teeth from Nathan and me.

Sleep Training Day 2

Due to his 6am wake up, and poor sleeping at night, he is tired at 9am. He closes his eyes, grabs his Elmo (or "Eh-mo") goes to sleep as soon as I lay him down for his nap. Score! Success! He sleeps until 11am renewing my hope for a bright and pleasant future.

2pm. I am tired. I need a nap desperately. I try to get Ethan to take another nap so we can make it until 7pm without him having some kind of meltdown. No such luck. He would rather stay up and play. And poop his pants.

7pm. We do the bedtime ritual. Ethan laughs and thinks he is playing a game with his dad for the first 20 minutes he is in his crib. Then he starts screaming and crying. This lasts for about 15 minutes. Nathan starts singing. Ethan decides to go to sleep. It is now 7:45pm.

3am. Ethan wakes up crying. Nathan goes into him and he cries a few minutes and goes back to sleep. He wakes up repeatedly until 4am. I go in. Repeat the same process until 4:35am. Decided to feed him. Ethan is sleeping by 5am and stays asleep until 8:20am.

Sleep Training Day Three

Ethan fights his nap for one hour. He sleeps for one hour. It is the fourth of July and my family is here and we have lots of fun. He is completely worn out by the end of the day.

7pm. Sleep ritual begins. He doesn't cry. He puts himself to sleep once he is in his crib. He sleeps until 3am and puts himself back to sleep. Wakes up at 4am. I feed him. He immediately goes back to sleep until 7:30am.

Victory.

I had been dreading this process for months. I thought it would take weeks. It actually wasn't that bad. My child is capable of learning to sleep. Praise Jesus.

So Many Questions

My son shows great delight in experiencing and seeing new things. His whole face lights up with joy when I let him hold something new, or if he sees something surprising.

Yesterday I found myself smiling because I saw something I have never seen before. I was driving home and I saw a stroller on the sidewalk. This drew my attention because I thought maybe someone living near me has a baby! Yay! As I came nearer I realized it was an old woman pushing the stroller, and inside the stroller was a dog. A shit-zhu with a sweatband matching the old woman's. I have never seen such a scenario. I have so many questions. These are just my starters:

1. Is the walk to benefit the old woman or the dog? Most owners take their dogs on walks so their dogs can be exercised and relieve themselves. Or so I thought. It seems the stroller would make a walk counterproductive. She must have a different goal. What could it be?

2. Did she actually go into a baby store and purchase a stroller for her dog? Did she bring her dog to make sure it was the right size? I know strollers, and this was not a cheap one. How much did she spend on a dog-stroller?

3. How in the world did she find a dog sweatband? Dogs sweat out of their paws, so I can't imagine these are widely sold. Did she make it herself, and if so WHY?

In regards to having questions, I have another one on a completely different topic. When I tell people the sex of the baby I am greeted with an extended pause. I am not sure what to make of this. Are they disappointed? Do they think I am disappointed? Was I supposed to want one sex over the other and I was unaware? Just to make things clear to all who read this, I was totally ok with getting either a boy or a girl. I really thought both would be GREAT. As long as my baby is healthy (and please, God, a good sleeper) I don't really mind weather it is a boy or girl. It will be the same with my third and fourth babies, too. God knows the best person to come into our family and he knows what sex they should be, so any baby I get, I will be totally happy with.

So, uh, why the silence?

Moving Misadventures and More, much more

Today was one of those days...I was tired. Ethan has been refusing to nap this week off on on. I think it is the 3rd or 4th time in a week. Sigh. I love him. He is so cute. But he seriously needs to sleep like other, normal children. I am rereading baby sleep books. I am thinking of trying something new. Previously, I have been a diehard Dr. Sears fan, but I am now open to other ideas. If you are a mom, please feel free to give me the benefit of your wisdom.


We moved into our new house a week and a half ago, and I LOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEE it. I really love having more space. I didn't realize how cramped the one bedroom apartment was until we moved. It is gloriously wonderful to have a nice kitchen, a garage so Ethan doesn't have to be strapped into a hot car seat in a hot car all the time, and a yard for Piper to run around in. I also like that Ethan has his own room.

Speaking of Piper, she did make an escape before Nathan fixed our fence. She found a space under the fence she could fit through and ended up in someone else's lanai. She ignored my calling. When she realized I had meat she tried to come but she couldn't figure out how to get back out of the lanai. I didn't know where the house was exactly because the streets around here are confusing. I guessed on which street to try and a couple of nice ladies walking their dogs helped me. Interestingly, the house Piper was trapped in was vacant because those people were on vacation. Thank goodness the Nice Ladies also knew who was house sitting and I caught them before they went to work. This all happened at 7am and I was in my pajamas, braless, and my hair all crazy.

Also, in relation to moving misadventures, Nathan and I locked ourselves out of the house. I guess I didn't explain the key system very well. Our house has multiple different locks with multiple keys. Nathan thought they were all one in the same and brought the wrong key for the wrong door. We also didn't have a garage door opener or cell phone to aide us in our moment of distress. I solved this problem by slipping through a crack in the garage window. I found it strangely exhilarating to break into my own house.


My mom accompanied me to my ultrasound yesterday since Nathan had to work. She tried to keep Ethan entertained throughout the appointment. It was also nice to have someone their with me while I found out the Big News.

From Untrasound

Ah, yes. There it is. He has a nice package, does he not? He leaves no room for misunderstanding. He is 100% BOY. I would love to have a little girl some day. Really love it. However, I was really kind of hoping that this particular baby would be a boy. I thought it would be great to have brothers close in age. The girls can come later with big brothers to protect them. Also, little boys seem to really love their mommies. And, I really like that about them.

From Untrasound

This one is in 3-d. I didn't have those with Ethan. I could have potentially seen his little face, but I think he must be shy. I am fine with that. I respect that about him.

No more FB

Its not you, its me.

Recently I have been observing in my own life that I interact with people less and less on a real level and it has been reduced to electronic communication. This is largely my fault because I hate talking on the phone. I would rather email, text, or have my husband call than talk on the phone. I also hate voicemail. I hate calling that thing and listening to messages and then being obligated to call people back. So I put off listening to it until my inbox is ridiculously full.

I also realized that when we didn't have internet for a couple of days during our move, I really liked it. I didn't miss checking facebook statuses. Nothing is really happening online anyway. Real life is happening all around me. It happens with my son playing. It happens when I am forced to talk to people instead of communicate online. We went more places. We did more things. Nathan and I talked more and cuddled while watching a movie on our portable dvd player (no tv either) rather then seperately getting on our laptops. I LOVED it.

I realized I need to challenge myself more to get offline and interact with real people. I think this would do a great deal more for the loneliness factor I face, and lots of stay-at-home moms face when they don't have a job and are forced to interact with people every day. The problem is, I am comfortable. Because I am "connected" on facebook I can trick myself into believing that I have real friendships and real relationships when in reality, I don't. Just because I read someone's status update, doesn't mean I have any clue about what is really going on in their lives and in their hearts. Just like most people don't really have any idea with what is going on with me. So, I shall quit facebook for now.

I really will miss keeping up with out of state friends, so if that is you, I am sorry! Please email me or call me with your updates. I will answer the phone, or even call you back. Promise. If you are in Orlando, call me. Lets make a real live interaction date.

Just know, its not you, its me.

Druggies, I get you

In recent years I have seen numerous Dr. Phil episodes. Oh, wait, before I continue, I would like to make it clear that I do not watch Dr. Phil anymore. His shows went from interesting to silly. Ok, I have seen numerous Dr. Phil episodes where Dr. Phil confronts mothers who are on drugs. These are average moms from the suburbs that look like the stereotypical soccer moms. They are hard core addicted to pain killers. They sell items on ebay, drown their families in debt, or prositute themselves in order to stay on painkillers.

At first I found it surprising. Why would they do that? Now that I have a toddler, I am starting to get it. Now, I would never do it, because I follow a moral code, and hey, its a really expensive habit. I am starting to get the I am going crazy feeling maybe a few pills will help feeling. The last few days Ethan has been whining a lot, throwing tantrums, yelling for what he wants, and waking up as soon as I start to fall asleep for a nap. I don't really need drugs, but I do need a break.

I really wish my parents lived closer. I am thinking I might be desperate enough to drive 2 hours just to go on a date with my husband. Another idea is I can get Nathan take him this weekend while I go. Just GO.

Cake Fail

I have attempted two Cakes in the last week.

Cake One:

It was going to be chocolate with half chocolate icing, half vanilla. I was going to make two round layers and then put them on top of each other making a two layer cake so there would be more icing per bite.

I tried to time it so it would be done baking before Ethan's nap and could cool while he slept. It wasn't done it time. I put it back in the oven turned down the temperature and hoped it wouldn't burn before I finished rocking Ethan to sleep which could be anywhere from 15-45 minutes. After 30 minutes I thought he was asleep I set him down and he cries. Frustrated, I pick him up, go into the kitchen, get the burned cakes out of the oven, set them on the stove and resume the rocking. 15 minutes later he still wasn't going back to sleep so I decided he would skip today's nap because I was not going to sit in that horribly uncomfortable rocking chair another minute. I take the cakes out of the pans and pull of the burned edges. I ice it. Looks good. I carefully transfer the top of the cake over the bottom.

Fail.

Half of the top fell apart. It crumbles before my eyes. It is beyond repair. It looks like a pile of chocolate poo. It looks so horrible, I want to take a picture.

Taste:Excellent.

Cake Two:

This time I don't try anything fancy. Yellow cake. Half chocolate icing, half vanilla. One pan. One layer. Hmm. Nathan used my baking butter for something else yesterday. I substitute Ethan's vegan butter which clearly states on the side that it is not meant for baking. Oh well. I am not going to the store. Need cake now. Or at least 30 or so minutes from now.

Cake making uneventful.

Tire of cake eating after one piece. Nathan won't eat yellow cake.

Another Cake Fail.

Who wants some?

Airport Recollections

Flying on the way to Ohio with Ethan didn't exactly permit me time to read. My job was to hold on to him so he wouldn't go toddling down the aisles to try to get to the stewerdesses or whatever PC name they call themselves. My mom brain can't quiet think of it now. One FLIGHT ATTENDANT (that's it) looked kind of like my mom and Ethan kept holding his arms out for her to hold him every time she would pass and would run for her if I let my guard down. Other than this task, and trying to entertain him with various toys, I spent my time privately observing the people across the aisle.

They were an elderly couple. They both had hearing aids. The man seemed very sweet and kind. I make this judgement based on the observation that he smiled at my child and commented that he looked like so and so and whatever age. He also had on several bracelets. He was showing his wife his new one.

"See? It has WWJD on it." He states with enthusiasm. He must not have noticed they were popular 10 years ago. "I got you one. Its pink!"

His wife, was not so kind. She sat hunched over. She wore a gold cross on her neck and read a christian fiction novel.

"I don't want that thing! I've got one. See?" She hold up her arm and displays her watch/bracelet.

Later in the flight something falls out of one of their bags further under the seat in front of them.

"Didn't I tell you to put that inside the bag?" The old lady admonishes her husband.

"It wouldn't fit."

She huffs. Takes off her seatbelt (seatbelt sign On) and grabs the item and shoves it in the bag.

"Are you taking off your seatbelt?" Her husband questions in a low, scared voice.

"How ELSE am I supposed to get the thing?" She says irritatedly.

Even later in the flight. We are waiting to get off the plane. Ethan has been screaming for the last 20 minutes or so. A little boy behind us crowds to get out of the plane as soon as he can and he ends up near the old lady. She looks at him and says, "YOU were a good boy on the flight." She glances at Ethan. Hint taken: Mine was not a good little boy.

I say nothing but think its a good thing you believe in that cross around your neck lady, because based on attitude, you so wouldn't make the cut for heaven.

I couldn't help but wonder during my observation of Sweet Old Man and Mean Old Lady if that is a glimpse of Nathan and I in the future. I don't want to be rude like her, but I can so see it happening if I don't watch myself.

Oh, right, the blog I started

I haven't really felt like I have had anything blog worthy to say. Just a few random thoughts that I am not sure that anyone is really interested in, so why bother, when I can go lay down when Ethan is taking a nap? I shall give you a few updates if you care.

1. I have learned that sign language just isn't going to work with my boy. He learns many things rapidly. Not sign language. I wonder if it is like him speaking. He can say words. I have heard him say several words very clearly. He chooses not say them usually. He says them occasionally. At random. NEVER EVER if I try to illicit a word. If I try to continue him saying a word he has just spoken he immediately stops speaking. I wonder if he can sign and secretly does so when I am not looking.

2. I got the ultrasound report in the mail. Due Nov.19th not the 20th. There goes my guess on it being a girl. Now I have no idea, and it doesn't really matter to me either way, as long as it IS one or the other, you know?

3. Walked out of the stupid crappy dr. office because they were being unspeakably rude and never went back. This is a prime example of how I have learned Boundaries since my counseling days. Mary Beth would be so proud. I have not informed her of this feat.

4. Tried out a mom's group (with people there). I liked them. I am thinking of going back. They are all "not trying but not not trying" to have babies for a second time. Makes me feel like I am not so crazy. I laugh on the inside because we were not not trying for less than 24hrs before I got preggers according to the ultrasound.

5. I am watching Juno again. Still my new favorite.

6. Ethan and I have developed a system of communication to the point that I am wondering if he is ever going to learn to really talk. I interpret all his grunts as full statements and questions.

7. Flew with Ethan by myself to Ohio to see my little cousin (sniff, sniff, all grown up) graduate from highschool. When he sees me and Ethan, he says "Whats his name again?" Yeah, he was so looking forward to our coming. Money and time and stress well spent. We also left two minutes after the graduation started because Ethan was fussy because it was too loud in the gym for him. He is a very sensitive boy. Just don't tell my cousin. I am sure he would be really disappointed. Especially considering he didn't know my child's name prior to my arrival. No seriously, my grandparents REALLY enjoyed seeing Ethan. My grandpa is really going downhill healthwise and they can't travel. They saw Ethan once before when he was 4 months old and they really had a great time watching him walk around and make a mess of their super clean home. He is the only great-grandson and they found enjoyment in his every babble. It was also good to talk with my other cousin for awhile. I hadn't had a conversation with her in years. She was like my sister growing up and I LOOOOVE her.

8. Learned I will never travel without Nathan again.

9. Going to try to stay pregnant for the rest of my life because my body is totally weird and LOSES weight while pregnant. The fat in my arms and legs goes to my stomach but the number either drops slightly or stays the same. Yes, flat stomachs are so overrated.

10. Started baking cakes to get the numbers up. Who wants to come over for cake?

Its in there

My ultrasound took a while to get going because the wonderful dr. office I blogged about before didn't give me the paperwork I needed so Jenn, Ethan, and I sat in a holding tank segregated from the rest of the clientele until my dr. office people got back from lunch and could fax over what I needed. We were told to go into our own special waiting area where Ethan could play with toys. I think it was so he wouldn't bother people. As if my adorable child could bother people. They also turned on Cirque Du Soleil on a tv which Jenn and I thought was a strange choice for a 13 month old.

Anyway, my ultrasound technician was GREAT! Loved her. She nicely labeled my baby's body parts on the pictures, believed my every word about how I was pregnant and I knew when. Her machine also verified that YES. I have a baby in there. YES, the baby was pretty much the age I said it was. YES, every thing looks good. Yay.

Ok, Almost the age I said it was. My last blog I mentioned that I was SURE the conception occurred March 2nd. Well, what really happened was I THOUGHT it happened Feb. 26th but when I took a pregnancy test two weeks later (the soonest possible time to get an accurate test) it was negative. It didn't turn positive for a couple of more days so I assumed March 2nd. Anyway, looks like Feb 26th was the big day so I am slightly more pregnant than I thought. I am three days closer to the end of the first trimester. Thank Jesus.

I am also pretty sure its a girl.

I took Ethan to Target today. He reached in the back of the cart from the front baby holder and got a gravy packet. He poured it all over himself and the cart while I was price comparing some things. He was COVERED in it. Lap, chest, face, hair. He laughed hysterically the rest of the time we were at the store and all the way home. Little stinker.

Moral of the story: Do not buy gravy packets or price compare. Ever.

Ode to Ethan

My boy has been really fantastic to me lately. He has shown his first real act of service towards me of late. Up til now, I must say the giving and rendering of services has been primarily on my end. I am ok with this, as he has just entered the world and doesn't really know what is up yet. I am proud to say, he is learning. He has given me the gift of allowing me to work out at Gold's Gym on weekday mornings. Ethan is given to meltdowns when I leave him, particularly if I am leaving him with someone he doesn't know really well. Sometimes he gets upset if I leave him with his own father. Although, he does seem to get over it when he is with his father. Anyway, to my great surprise and delight, he likes the Kiddie Gym!!! He doesn't cry. He is interested in the toys and the other kids. I get to work out, and come home and take a shower while he naps because he is worn out from the Kiddie Gym. It has really improved the quality of my day. I feel relaxed. I get a break. My mornings don't drag on forever and ever. After he wakes up from his morning nap we go on an adventure, come home and play, and then it is time for our next nap. This time I take one myself. Then we only have a couple of hours until Nathan gets home. It really is a good life.

He has also been doing some really cute things. For one, he has developed a sincere love for Elmo. He has been teething hard core (three teeth at once) and to distract him from crying I turn on Elmo for a couple of minutes. He immediately smiles and goes over to the tv. He laughs, and dances with the music. He is GLEEFUL with Elmo. If I say, "Elmo" He toddles over to the tv and tries to turn it on.

Second, he has started communicating "yes" and "no." For no he shakes his head, for yes he does a little jump and says, "yeh." Yeh, he does want to go bye-bye, No, he does NOT want baby food. I try to respect these boundaries.

Third, he says, "hiiiiiiii." The i sound goes way up and then way down.

On a completely different note, today is my first ultrasound for the new baby. I went to this horrible dr. office where I spoke to a nurse who basically told me I had no way of knowing that I am pregnant because it had not been verified by a dr. I also had no way of knowing how pregnant because I didn't have "last period."

I tried to tell her, that yes, I did know that I was pregnant because I:
1. Took 4 pregnancy urine tests that are supposedly 99% accurate.
2. Had every pregnancy symptom in the book for the last 6 weeks.
3. Have a bump coming out of my stomach that is growing at an alarming rate for someone who doesn't drink beer.

Also, Yes, I DO know that my baby was conceived March 2nd cuz I was there, and I know how things work. And, hey, I happen to have the proof of experience sitting on my lap. Pooping.

Anyway, I conceded to have my blood drawn to prove my pregnant state and go for an ultrasound today to prove how old my child is. I plan to go back to this dr. office thursday, show the results and vindicate myself, and never return.

Jenn is coming with me to the ultrasound because Nathan is working and I need someone to hold Ethan and keep him from damaging expensive medical equipment. We plan to pose as partners, or I am going to be a surrogate for her. Haven't figured out which will be more fun.

New House Pictures

Please do not judge my bad pictures. I was trying to keep Ethan out of people's stuff. Also, I didn't get one of the front of the house. Silly. I will take one and post it later.

From New House

What you see when you first walk in. The formal living room is going to be the library. I am not a formal girl, and have no need for a formal living room. Books, however, should be displayed front and center.

From New House

Where we will watch The Office.

From New House

For those cozy nights when it gets down to 70 degrees.

From New House

Where I will cook. I am going to start again someday. You'll see. I am just recovering from the trauma of the fire I started. A month ago.

From New House

Ethan's room.

From New House

Ethan's bathroom.

From New House

Kate's room.

From New House

Summer Kitchen. To be renamed Winter Kitchen.

From New House

That little black box contains a flat screen. That will be left by the owners. Holla!

From New House

So going to buy a hot tub of my own.

From New House

Part of the backyard.

From New House

Where we will shovel our food into our face.

From New House

Where the magic happens.

From New House

The bathroom I am thinking of sharing with Nathan.

From New House

My closet. If we end up getting an accidental third baby we can just put it in this here closet.

From New House

Ethan's new leash. He loves it. Really.

Buying a House through the lense of Meyers-Briggs

I love the meyers-briggs as a personality sorter. I really think it is the most detailed, and accurate of all the personality tests. That is, if it is taken correctly, by a certified meyers-briggs test person who can thoroughly explain the questions, and the "real" tests (not the ones online) have better questions than the generic ones you can get for free. Ok, that being said, here is a look into our marriage and making a big decision with the meyers-briggs in mind.

I am an ISFP. An introverted, sensing, feeling, perceiver. "Quiet, serious, sensitive and kind. Do not like conflict, and not likely to do things which may generate conflict. Loyal and faithful. Extremely well-developed senses, and aesthetic appreciation for beauty. Not interested in leading or controlling others. Flexible and open-minded. Likely to be original and creative. Enjoy the present moment."

Nathan is an ENFJ. An extroverted, iNtuitive, feeling, judger."Popular and sensitive, with outstanding people skills. Externally focused, with real concern for how others think and feel. Usually dislike being alone. They see everything from the human angle, and dislike impersonal analysis. Very effective at managing people issues, and leading group discussions. Interested in serving others, and probably place the needs of others over their own needs."

The meyers-briggs says, "Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ENFJ's natural partner is the INFP, or the ISFP. ENFJ's dominant function of Extraverted Feeling is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Introverted Feeling. An ENFJ and INFP are ideally matched, because they share the Intuitive way of looking at the world, but the ENFJ and ISFP are also a very good match."

I would agree wholeheartedly with this analysis. We are a very good match and what gets in the way of harmony often is the S/N difference. Often we will say something and the other person interprets it different than the original intention.

In the decision making function, we are both Fs. This means that we both make decisions based on values. Ex. We value time together so Nathan decided not to offer to do contract work for the job he had (advantor) while simultaneously doing the new job he just started (liberty mutual). Logically, it would have made sense. We could have had more money. He could have left his job on a note where they didn't feel abandoned after having him quit after a month. Ultimately, our time together matters more.

On occasion one of us becomes more objective and logical in making decisions (the role of a "t"). In deciding on housing, I became the "t". My father gave this advice (and my father is an ISTJ)

I think new construction should be one of your options as you do your market research. There is something to be said for knowing all the major housing components were recently completed under the newer building codes implemented a few years after Andrew. That does not mean an older home is not well built or worth considering, you just want to gather all the information and research all options before making a major decision. Newer construction can sometimes be cheaper because you will not be replacing AC units, hot water tanks, etc. for several years. Newer construction can hold a higher resale value.



As far as commutes, you have to figure how many times a week you drive to work and how many times a week you visit your downtown friends. Weigh that against the community, the schools, resale, etc. and make your decision. You have a 1 year old and one on the way. Your friends will end up being people who are at the same life stage as you are. Especially when you are a family of 4 with two toddlers. No one else will be able to relate to you. Just the other people in the same boat. All three communities look acceptable to me, Lake Mary, Altamonte or Longwood. Look for some other young families. A more upscale "professional type" area will probably have people you can relate to. The other property owners will be school teachers, nurses, law enforcement, sales people, small business owners, etc.



Most likely, as you continue to research the market, one option will stand out from the others and that's usually the one that is meant to be your home. Things will tend to "fall in place" like they did to allow you to return to Florida. Don't rush the process and do your homework. You will find something that fits.



Dad



Such good advice. So logical. I actually agreed with every thing he said. Nathan thought it was good advice too, but in the end, he made the decision by being true to his "f" self. He liked the house that made him feel at home. The one with an amazing back yard that made him happy. I liked the house too. Don't get me wrong. It isn't every thing I wanted, but it really is a great house. I am sure we will be very happy there.

Even though I vowed that I would be the one to pick the house because it is my domain, my office, if you will, I ended up doing what an ISFP does.

"They are very private people, who keep their true feelings and opinions reserved or hidden from others. This may cause them to constantly defer to their mates in their intimate relationships, which may cause problems if their mates are not extremely aware of the ISFP's feelings."

Good thing he knows my feelings.

Oh, and I am pretty sure that the owner of the house is not going to heaven. We gave them the full asking price, and requested that they leave the refrigerator, and hot tub, and to pay $7K of the closing cost. They counter-offered to pay $5k of closing costs and no, we could not have the fridge and hot-tub. You know that verse in the bible about if someone asks you for bread, give him your coat too? They so didn't do that. Going to hell for sure.

Kidding! But seriously, I am sad because I had big plans for that hot-tub involving my husband. Godly desires and plans of course.

Hippies and Baby Daddies

I got to hang out with "the girls" for the first time since before Ethan was born. It was glorious. I love laughing with them. It is delightful in every way. One conversation I feel was worth posting.

Jenna "I love being married. I feel like being monogamous is the new free love. We are like, rediscovering it, because no one is doing it anymore. We are like hippies."

I let this sink in. I am a hippie. I always kind of suspected there was something crazy with in me. That the nice-girl-christian look was only a masquerade.
Yes. I am a Hippie.

I want to take this a step further. If Jenna is a hippie for having free love monogamous type love with her husband, then what does that make me: a girl who is having the same type of love, but is taking a step further to have babies and not use birth control. Free love, and birth control happened at the same time in the 60s. That is when women decided that they wanted to do more with their lives than have babies once a year and only have sex with their husbands. Monogamous loves, and the joy of having children were put to shame and Free Love and Birth Control were the way to be. Now I am completely counter cultural. So, yes, I would agree with Jenna that we are hippies. But if Jenna is a regular hippie, then I am the hippie on acid.

And I am going to Woodstock.

I would also like to say that the Baby Daddy has been pretty friggin' amazing lately. I am glad I married him. SUCH a good choice. He is really helpful with Ethan and is turning into such a great dad. I am glad we are hippies together.

Here Comes Trouble

I know some of you will have seen this video already posted on facebook or Ethan's blog, but I had an additional part I would like to draw to your attention. Please note the supporting role of the nasal aspirator in this video clip. I find it quite amusing, the fondness my son has for it.

Think it Through

I have this life long problem. I don't completely think things through. I think I do. Then I realize I forgot one important detail or another. Example, I thought moving to Seattle would be a good idea. Nathan could have a job he liked. It was going to be enough to support a family. We could have kids and I wouldn't have to work. Seattle seemed like a very fun place to live. All these things were true about Seattle. Actually, no, the money wasn't what we thought it would be. Cost of living was higher than expected and Nathan got completely low-balled on a job offer. We had enough to get by though. Enough that I could still stay home with Ethan. It didn't occur to me until after we moved, and after I found out I was pregnant that I had forgotten some important details like, my mom wouldn't be around to help me with the baby (stupid--i needed her, cried for her after the baby was here), traveling 3,000 miles with children in tow would be horrendous and expensive.

Well, I have done it again. I really wanted to move back to Orlando to be near my friends and not far from my family. I do not regret this choice. I think it was the right choice. We are much happier here for so many reasons. I love my friends. Ethan LOVES his grandparents and cousin, and aunt and uncle. Its like he knows they are family and they love him to pieces. My dad doesn't even like children, and he and Ethan have already formed a very special bond. It is one of the most enjoyable things I have ever seen in my life, watching them together.

The important detail I have been realizing that I forgot this time is that re-integrating into our community is a lot harder than I thought it would be, if not impossible. My friends live a very different life-style than we do now. They live like they are in their 20s...and without too many obligations beyond the basic pay rent and eat. Not that there is anything wrong with that, and if you are reading this as my friend I pray you don't take it personally. I am not judging this life-style as bad. It is just different that what I am doing now. We get these really fun invites from people for things we would love to do, but we can't. I have a little boy that needs to get to bed, and he needs his mommy to help him get there. I am pregnant which makes me tired. Very tired. I don't have the energy to go out after he is in bed if Nathan so generously offers to stay with him while I go out. I don't want to go anywhere but to the couch or to bed at that time. I am alone for most of the day with Ethan. My friends are not stay-at-home moms, so they are working or doing other, non-baby related things. The events that we are being invited to are not during the day when I am available and lonely. They are at night when I am too tired to interact. I can't ask all my friends to change for me, and I can't change for my friends either.

This problem leads me to lead a lonely life. It makes me really sad. I had so hoped to reconnect with people, but I am starting to accept that maybe it just isn't going to happen.

My other option is I can go find new mommy friends. I think mommy friends are important. I would LOVE to have someone to talk to who understood babies that won't sleep, teething, the never really feeling rested feeling, the how do I make sure my husband feels loved when I feel exhausted at the end of the day type of problems. Oh, and of course the never ending joy that babies bring. Please do not underestimate the total delight they can bring just by squealing over the discovery of something new. The problem with this scenario is that most girls my age are not mommies. They are working on careers. If they are mommies they are the leave my kid at daycare kind of mommies. Which means they have even less time to socialize.

I really don't understand this problem because the median age for a woman to give birth in this country is 25. I was 25!!! Where are all the girls my age with the babies??? I can't find them.

I hope I haven't hurt anyone's feelings by writing how I have been feeling lately about my community. It isn't meant as an attack. This is just my assessment of my situation. I don't know what to do about it, so if you have any thoughts, please share.

Today's List of Accomplishments

I really blow my own self away with how productive I am on any given single day. See below for today's list of important achievements.

1. Try to feed Ethan while he throws food to the dog and screams for me to give him things he cannot have.

2. Try to teach Ethan to say please and help instead of screaming. Give up and let him cry about whatever (I turned the lamp off).

3. Give Ethan a nap.

4. Intervene bwt Ethan and Piper all morning and afternoon during ethan's waking hours.

5. Go to the mall to look at maternity clothes because I am getting too fat for the regular ones. Decide to wait a few more weeks.

6. Listen to Ethan scream in the carseat on the way home.

7. Feed Ethan sweet potatoes and watch as he spits it out over his clothes.

8. Do laundry to wash Ethan's clothes and the clean clothes Piper peed on (no longer clean).

9. Blog while Ethan pulls out every trash bag from the box in the kitchen.

10. Clean Ethan's butt twice in 15 minutes because he is finally pooping out the crayon (orange) he ate on Saturday.

11. Try to brainstorm how I am going to tell Nathan the dog has got to go. I hate intervening and yelling at the dog and the baby all day. And she pees on stuff because she is mad about the baby. Clearly, she needs a stress free home.

Just to Clarify

So I realize what I wrote yesterday may come across that I think time outs are responsible for emotionally detached children. That wasn't what I meant. I think time outs are great. They just have an appropriate time and place and I am not certain it is best in 15 minute increments for a one year old.

Ethan, Can you Say...

I have been making a real effort to teach Ethan sign language. I have tried before and given up because he half way learns a sign, and he uses that one sign to try to communicate all things. I find that confusing. Plus, I never felt a great need for it before. I always thought I had a pretty good sense of what he wanted so sign language was never a high priority. It has now become a TOP priority. My child is given to random screams. Now, sometimes I know, it is because he is cutting a tooth. I don't blame him for screaming from pain. It is probably unexpected, and he doesn't understand what is happening, and of course...it hurts! Makes sense. He screams for other reasons, too. ALL. THE. TIME. It is making me crazy. I am a tired, nauseated pregnant woman and the constant screaming must end. He screams now because:

1. He isn't getting what he wants. He is feeling frustrated and disappointed at this.

2. A toy isn't doing what he wants it to. Frustrating.

3. He wants me to get him something or do something for him NOW.

The random screams present themselves on a minute by minute basis. I read up on the subject today (Screaming 13 month olds and 13 month old Tantrums). Some mothers suggest putting them in their cribs for a time out every time they throw a tantrum. Some times they put their babies in their cribs for 15 minutes at a time. This seems utterly ridiculous to me for three reasons:

1. A one year old has completely forgotten what they had done wrong in about ONE minute. 15 minutes is just cruel.

2. A one year old cannot internalize the word "no" to remember for the next time not to do something. They can stop what they are doing in the moment, but they will do the same thing again a few minutes later because they can't remember they aren't supposed to do something. If this tactic works on a one year old it is because they are just getting quiet and learning to not express themselves emotionally. Which leads me to #3

3. I do not want to train Ethan to not express himself emotionally. I think all of his reasons for screaming are quite valid. I too, get frustrated when I don't get what I want and have adult for of tantrums (moping, sulking, getting quiet etc.) I also want what I want when I want it. I also hate when I am working on something frustrating. I want him to be comfortable expressing these things. To teach him to not have feelings I FEEL would be detrimental to him to his long term developmental growth.

So how do I cope with the day in and day out ANNOYING screams? I am trying to teach him to say, PLEASE in sign language if he wants something and HELP if he is frustrated.

I pray this works. I'll keep you "posted."

Monday, 8am

Mondays at 8am are the most dreaded time of all. It marks the time when Nathan will be gone for 10 hours a day for 5 consecutive days. It is sad that I dread it so because it happens to be the majority of my waking hours. I want to enjoy my son. I want to live in joyful expectation of what is to come each day. I want to have Purpose and live each day to the fullest. Instead, I feel dread for when Nathan leaves. I am soooo tired from this pregnancy and being awoken frequently at night by Ethan. I don't feel like a real person. My eyes hurt, my head hurts, and I can barely concentrate on anything most of the time. Maybe in June when I am supposed to feel less tired and sick I will be more joyful about life. Until then I am trying to stay as positive as I can so I don't become depressed. Example: At least I don't live in the 1800s where I would have lived alone on a farm and had to have churned butter while trying to watch Ethan and be pregnant. I can sit in my air-conditioned apartment and watch as Ethan torments the dog and the dog has anxiety attacks. Far better than butter churning. How did those women do it? Ok. 8:30. 9 and a half hours to go until 6.

Were you There?

We visited this church in Seattle for two months when we first moved there. Nathan really liked it. I tried to. I failed. One part that really got to me was they sung this song every Sunday that drove me crazy. I found out this week that it is usually a song during Passion Week, the week leading up to Easter. So, I heard it again the other day and bad memories returned. After we stopped going to the church I began to make fun of the song and make up my own lyrics. The real song goes like this:

Were you there when they crucified our Lord?
Were you there when they nailed him to a tree?
Sometimes it causes me to tremble...tremble...tremble

I don't like these lyrics because NO of course, I was NOT there. It was 2000 years +, ok? Even if you are meaning that all mankind would have responded to Jesus the exact same way, I still don't like the lyrics. It annoys me.

One day Piper made her first killing. She killed a squirrel. I made up the lyrics to the tune of the song that I hate:

Were you there when Piper Killed the Squirrel?
Were you there when she snapped its neck in two?
Sometimes she causes me to tremble...tremble....tremble...

Everytime Piper makes a new kill we add a verse.

In Ethan's early days I was trying to figure out songs he would know from the womb to comfort him. This is the song that did the trick. I have sung this song every day mulptiple times a day for over one year now. Yesterday when I heard the real song lyrics again I have decided to stop. What if my new baby hears me singing the Piper song to Ethan and she/he likes it too? The madness will never end. This song is out of control and has taken over my life. It is stopping now.
I hate that song.

Dear Status, Time to get pregger

Since coming back to Orlando it has been my observation that many of the people that are affiliated with Status, my church, are depressed. My friend and I were discussing possible causes today. It is hard to pin point exactly. I am sure every one's circumstances are a little different. I have come up with a theoretical solution. I shared this with my friend.

"Well, I have this theory, that babies are good for the soul. They force people to not focus on themselves for a few minutes. They rediscover the joy of living and the delight of new discovery of simple things." Personal example: Ethan gets totally pumped when he sees a fountain. If you think about it, they are neat. It makes me smile to see him so excited about it. "Since part of depression is too much inward self-focus and not taking delight in the world around them, this would solve the problem. I think the people in Status need to get knocked up."

"I agree." says my friend "You should present this to Josh at Status, and the rest of the leadership."

Hmm. I had been thinking covert opps, like subliminal messages. I suppose I could pitch the idea.

Obs

In talking with other women who have gone through the child bearing process I am pretty sure it is an accurate assessment to say that women either Love their obstetrician or they have deep feelings of disdain. For me, during the last pregnancy, it was Love at First Visit. This is in a way, a love tribute, to Dr. Dawn Scheve. On the first visit she informed me that she too, has PCOS, my condition that causes weight gain, difficulty losing weight, acne, man-hair, and infertility. I have experienced all but the man-hair, thank God. I felt an immediate kinship with her since she could sympathize with my struggles. She was very laid-back and always reassuring. She praised me often for my not excessive weight-gain during pregnancy and perfect blood-pressure. She would introduce me to her students as her "perfect patient" and "laid-back patient." One way to win my heart is through sincere praise. I also adored her nurse, Beth. There were few people in Seattle I felt like I could be good friends with. She was one of them. I could picture us eating popcorn and watching the Office together. Another great part about that doctor office was the receptionist up front. She was just like Angela in the Office. At first i was put off by her rudeness but then I realized she looked and acted just like Angela. It made her so funny to me. I shared this with Beth, and Dr. Scheve who both appropriately admired my assessment of Angela the Receptionist.

The one thing that makes me sad about leaving Seattle is not having Dawn Scheve and Beth there for my pregnancy. It brought me to tears one day. That is how deep my love runs for them.

I called to schedule an appointment with a doctor in Orlando today and already I can tell they are different. I am at risk for getting a man doctor. I was appalled when looking up doctors how few obs are women in Orlando. WHAT?! What man wants to do that? What women wants him to? I feel very strongly about having a women. First, those are my female parts being examined. Second, I do not want someone delivering my baby who has not done it themselves before because there is no experience like your own. I ended up going with the office that is associated with Winnie Palmer that has the fewest male to female ratio. 9 women in the office, 3 men. Please, God, don't let there be a man examining my parts. Surely, that is not your Will for my life.

Beth Key and the No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day

Ok, so it wasn't the worst day ever. Kate, Jenn, and Melyssa came over and brought two kids that played with Ethan while we ate food and talked about scary homebirths. Kate read Oswald Chambers. That was the good part. The rest was the no good horrible very bad day.

Ethan has been cranky for pretty much the last two weeks. He took one brief intermission when Abbie and Eldin came to visit, but that is about it. He seems tired, but I can't force him to sleep. I offer him food often, so he isn't hungry. I give him ibprofen in case he is teething, so he shouldn't be in too much pain. I don't know what the deal is. He cries when he doesn't get what he wants now which is so not cute. He has been having EXTREME separation anxiety issues. He cries if I walk into another room. He wants to be held all the time. I cannot do this. One Reason is that he is 24lbs and I can't carry that all day. Another Reason is I need two hands on occasion.

Today if I washed his bottles at the sink, he stood by me tugging on my leg and cried to the entire 10 minutes. He cried while I cooked dinner. He cried any time I went out of his eye line. He cried if he crawled across the room and saw I was far away. He cried when he played with his toys and realized he needed a hug. As his mother, and the person on the planet that has the greatest biological connection to him, I find it heartbreaking to hear him cry. It is very stressful for both of us. I try to avoid it when possible. This had been happening for going on ten hours when I tried to get the ham out of the oven. Ham juice spilled all in the oven because I didn't realize that I wouldn't be able to lift it out of the oven with one hand, and a toddler on the hip. There was no way I could set Ethan down and realistically expect him to not grab the oven door. I set the ham on the oven door (oven open) yelled at the dog to not even think about going near it or she would get her ass kicked to the other side of town, ran the baby into his crib and set him down and hid his Soothie so he could find it, like a game, ran back to get the ham. Not done. Drats. I repeat this putting the baby in his crib and running back to get the ham out of the oven several times. Finally, I think it is done. Then the baby starts crying hard core in the other room. I take off the oven mitts set them on top of the stove and go and pick him up. Then I hear the smoke alarm. Thinking the ham juice is burning inside the oven I don't get too concerned. I leave Ethan in the living room(crying). I walk into the kitchen and see the oven mitts are on fire. I apparently had left the burner on from when I cooked the glaze on the stove top. I grab them (stupid in hindsight--burned my thumb and finger)throw them in the sink and dowse them in water. Fire gone. Meanwhile the smoke detector is getting louder and louder and so is Ethan's crying. The apartment is filled with smoke. So I did the only logical thing any mother would do. I pick up the baby. I open the windows. I grab my cell phone. Ethan and I go outside to wait for the smoke to clear. I call my husband. And start to bawl.

"Nathan...I started a fire!."

Oh, and I overcooked the ham while putting out the fire. At least my mashed potatoes were awesome.

McDonald's

I don't eat fast food. I gave it up when my eating disorder quest began 9 years ago. Even though I am over the eating disorder, I never got back into eating fast food. I always feel greasy and disgusting after eating. I don't feel I have made good life choices. Unless I am pregnant.

We had just moved to Seattle during the first pregnancy. I picked Nathan up from work because his boss still hadn't secured him a parking space downtown. I called him when I reached his building.

"I need you to google Arby's before you come down here."
"Why?"
"I need it. Just do it. I'm starving. It has to be Arby's."

He comes down to the car about 5 minutes later. We drive up and down either 2nd or 3rd Street looking for it. After 20 minutes or so Nathan suggested giving up.

If you have ever been pregnant, you know that when you are hungry, you need to eat NOW. Not 10 minutes from now. It had been past 10 minutes and I was getting a little frantic. I couldn't not have my craving. It was the only thing that sounded like an acceptable meal.

"The only other one is in Burien." Nathan informed me. Burien is south of Seattle. I immediately turn the car on to 99 and head to Burien. I didn't know where to go once I got there but I was confident my sixth sense would kick in and I would find the Arby's. I am really proud to say...I did it. The craving was satisfied and it was all that I ever hoped it would be. It was a close call though.

This morning I woke up and nothing sounded good. Nothing. I reconciled myself that the new baby and I would have to wait until lunch time to eat because all breakfast food sounded repulsive. I have even given up coffee. Then it struck me. I absolutely had to have a Sausage Egg and Cheese Biscuit from McDonald's. Then I tried to talk sense into myself. I don't like fast food. I will feel icky. I will regret this life choice. I will spend money. I was getting hungrier and hungrier and Ethan had been fussy all morning. I decided, if that is the only thing that sounds good, and I have to endure his bad mood, I might as well do it happy. I drove 2 seconds away to the nearest McDonald's (looove where i live). I also got Orange Juice which my new baby also wanted. I hate Orange Juice. I took it back home. The lady got my order wrong. It was just a Sausage Biscuit. Murderous thoughts run through my mind as I think of the overweight chick who took my order. I banish them. She probably misheard me. Ethan begins to cry big fat tears and screaming quite loudly. I guess hunger is his problem. I quickly scramble and egg for us to share and put my half on my Sausage Biscuit. I alternate between taking bites for myself and drinking juice and shoving egg in Ethan's mouth. Sigh. I feel happy and content. After a fast food experience.

Glimpse of our Marriage: For Megan

Every night we try to give Ethan one last bottle before we go to bed so that he will sleep as long as possible without waking from hunger. Sometimes he will take the bottle, and sometimes he won't. The times that he will, it is usually when I feed him and the times that he won't is usually Nathan giving it a shot. Last night I let Nathan take a turn. I was tired. The dialogue went something like this:

"Does he need a bottle?" Nathan
"Yes"Beth. Nathan pauses to see if I am going to do it. I use my nonverbals (getting under the covers and closing my eyes) to communicate that it is going to be his turn. Nathan goes into the kitchen and comes back.
"I can't do it." Nathan
"Try putting it into his mouth." Beth
"I can't find it." Nathan
"Try the middle of his face." Beth. Nathan tries not to laugh.
"I did that." Nathan. I give a huge exaggerated sigh. I take the baby and try to give him the bottle. His hair smells like Nathan's armpit. I inform Nathan of this.
"What do my armpits smell like?"
"Smell his hair and find out."
Nathan sniffs. "I don't smell anything. Must be your enhanced sense of smell from pregnancy. Or maybe you are making it up."
"Uh, I definitely know what your armpits smell like, ok?"
Ethan turns his head.
"Ok. That means he doesn't want it." I hand the bottle to Nathan. "Can you wash that out?" I start getting Ethan back into a nice sleep state.
Nathan comes back and gets into bed. For some reason I do not understand he takes the baby from me and cuddles with him. Whatever. I turn to my comfy place and close my eyes.
"I forgot my phone. I need it for the alarm in the morning." Nathan
"Wow. I hope you can wake up without it. Or be okay with not going to work." Beth
"I need you to go and get it for me." Nathan
"I can't. I am sleeping." Beth
"No, you are not." Nathan. I begin to fake snore.
"Come on. Please."Nathan
"Get Piper to do it. She's up." Beth
"Its on the top of the counter." Nathan
"Piper? Did you hear that?" Beth
"Beth."
Another exaggerated sigh. I get up and get his cell phone.

Could Have Been So Much Worse

Ethan has been sleeping terribly which means I have been sleeping even more terribly. He woke up cranky. He didn't want me to do anything but hold him. He cried if I put him down. He screamed if Nathan tried to touch him. He took a 20 minute nap in the morning when I so desperately needed to sleep. The crying when I put him down routine continued. Then Kate came over and took him on a walk so I could take a shower. Followed by Jenn and my new pal Melyssa. We had breakfast, and they tried to cheer Ethan up. It didn't work, but it really touched my heart that they tried. When they left he took a two and a half hour nap and woke up happy. He didn't get clinging for another couple of hours. I think he is going through a bit of a rough patch because he is upset his dad isn't around all the time. I think he might be worried that I am going to leave too or something.

As I was reflecting on my day I realized how I am so very lucky to live in Orlando now. If I had lived in Seattle, I wouldn't have had the Delights of My Heart Ladies to come and visit and give me a reprieve of CrankyPantsBaby. So, my day really wasn't that bad.

Picture People: Sneaky Bastards!

I knew it could happen. I took my chances. I really love my sister-in-law, Christa. When she called me to ask if I would be interested in going to the Picture People at the Brandon Towne Center to get the babies' pictures taken together, I said YES. I would love to. I love getting together with Christa and Paige. Plus, Ethan likes to get out of the apartment and go on adventures. I told myself I would only buy pictures of them together. For the grandparents. That was it.

The trouble started when Paige didn't really feel like smiling for the camera during her solo pictures. And Ethan did. The camera lady kept snapping his pictures, and he kept smiling, clapping, and giving adorable baby poses as if he had been waiting his whole life to be a baby model. I watched in fascination as my child grinned straight at the camera and I knew our Discover Card statement would be a bit higher than usual.

It turned out to be worse than I thought. His pictures were more adorable than I could have imagined. How could my offspring have turned out so good-looking? I was totally screwed. Sigh. I did my best to control myself, but the urge to have them all was very great. Its as if I get some sort of drug high when I see cute pictures of my baby.

Click here to see what i am talking about. Username: angel83306@aol.com password: babypaige

http://smilestore.picturepeople.com/pn/tpp/home

Nachos

I did this the last time. I get a positive test and I question the results because the baby seems like an abstract concept. I don't look or feel pregnant. What if I am not really? I was relaying this particular fear to Nathan. He assured me of my knocked up state. Ethan and I went and took a nap (because I was awake from 3-5 worrying about my in-laws coming to visit after the baby comes). I woke up from the nap and I couldn't stop thinking about how good it would be to have baked beans over chips with cheese on top. I never eat chips. I only eat beans if I am making a step towards healthy eating because they are an all-natural form of carbs and protein all wrapped into one. Definitely not a pleasure food. Not only did I have to have it...I had to have it NOW. We proceeded to go to the store immediately. I ended up making chili over Nachos. A compromise for the sake of my marriage. Still good. I hope this new baby will keep our health in mind for future cravings. And I hope it is craving chili because we have a lot.

Was it Planned?

Is the question I have been getting lately. Well, to answer all of your questions:

Well, uh, it wasn't, NOT planned...I am fully aware of how babies are made so I knew the ramifications of...you know...and Nathan and I were fine with that.

Last time to get preggers I went on Clomid (fertility meds) because I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS also affects my blood sugar and reproductive hormones along with my inability to ovulate. Because it affects my blood sugar I h can't lose weight no matter how perfectly and consistently I diet and exercise. I was getting really frustrated with the process so I went to my old doctor that I saw in Orlando that gave me the clomid to get preggers in the first place. She prescribed metformin, a drug for diabetics, and a progesterone. This was, again, to help me loose weight. While setting my blood sugar and hormones in balance it also did the job of helping my ovaries to make an egg instead of a cyst. When my blood sugar rises I make a cyst, not an egg. With this fixed I made an egg apparently, five days after starting the drugs. I knew it was possible the drugs would do this, I just did not realize how soon...so that part was a little surprising :)

If you made it through all that, the conclusion is, I will not be losing weight, I will be gaining. I will be gaining a lot.

But I am excited. Beyond excited.

I am a little scared though. Next blog: my fears.

I Peed On It. Its Mine!

Exactly one year after Ethan was born, the results are in.

From album

Yes, Ethan will be a big brother.

Due November 23rd.

This Day Almost OneYear Ago

1. I pushed an 8lb baby out my vag

2. I was awake for 40hrs straight. Then I took a hour cat nap and was awoken by a nurse to take my "vitals." Lucky for her I was too shocked and confused to punch her in the face.

3. I lost 10lbs in one day! In fact, in the matter of 10 minutes or so.

All firsts for me, and quite unforgettable. I post this today because

a) I have time
b) this is really when the epic tale of labor began

To relive the moments click here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKwWeVuQJBs

The In-laws

They are here. I am trying to stay positive. I am doing some cognitive-behavioral therapy on myself. Change your thoughts, and your feelings will follow. Ok, positive thoughts.

1. They leave Monday night. Wait, strike that, that goes on the negative list because that seems really far away.

2. We live in Orlando now. In Seattle we all stayed in our apartment. Alone. And together. So together. Now they can go and visit their old friends. Yes. Lets hope so.

3. They are staying in a hotel and not our one bedroom apartment. I can eat breakfast with only worrying about the one year-old pulling on my leg instead of morning conversation. I loathe early morning conversation.

4. I can choose how people treat me. Now there IS a positive thought. Thank you, Dr. Phil. I knew all those years of watching you would not go in vain.

5. We will have Ethan's first birthday party for the afternoon Saturday. That will be a nice distraction in the middle of the visit. Maybe I can give her lots of jobs to keep her busy to help with the party. Or maybe I can do it and it will keep ME busy. Too busy for lots of conversation. I will probably have to leave to go to the store multiple times.

6. I can make my workouts longer with my mother-in-law here to watch Ethan. That gives me an escape. Maybe I will double my work-out time.

7. Maybe some of my friends will call me up and we can go and have a very important visit. A visit that cannot be delayed.


There. It won't be so bad. Please, friends, call me.

Gaylord Palms

I went to Hotwire.com and got a room at the Gaylord Palms for $99 per night. We were totally stoked. We said when Nathan got a job we would go on vacation, I would get a new outfit and a haircut. My hair hadn't seen a professional since June. I looked hideous. I decided to go to the salon at the resort. I had previously planned on going to Shelby at Shelbydoesyourhair.com However, I am prone to impulsive decisions when it comes to hair choices. I go to the salon and am greeted by my hair dresser. She looks at least 10 years older than my mom. Nothing like Shelby at all. I am feeling hesitant. What if she gives me an old lady haircut? I consider turning around and running out of the salon but I have on these new cheap sandals from Target to go with my new expensive dress from Tommy Bahama and they are really hurting my feet. I don't think I can escape without tripping and falling and making a scene. To save myself from public humiliation I shake her hand and follow her to the chair.

"So, what are we doing today?" Old lady says.

"Um, well, I wanted to get you know, a haircut." I reply, stating what I thought was obvious.

"What were you thinking about in particular?"

"Oh. Well. I need you to make me not look like a momfrump, make it short but still able to wear in a ponytail when i go to the gym, stylish like i am older than 15 less than 30, and don't make my face look fat. Can you do this?" I am thinking she better for what they charge here...

"You do not have a fat face!" Um, lady, you didn't see my face 3 years ago! You don't realize what has happened to me since. Are my internal thoughts.

She goes about her work as I read a magazine article about how people are ok with infidelity now. The wives didn't want to be bothered with sex anyway, men get a mother for their children and an additional lover and don't have to beg their wives for sex, and the girlfriends get to focus on professional careers and have a boyfriend. The ideal situation for all. The article is making me a little sick to my stomach. Or it was this mornings breakfast.

"So, how do you feel?" The old lady keeps asking me when my hair has been chopped. Seriously, she has asked me this at least 3 times.

"oh. lighter?" what am I supposed to say here? since she keeps asking i am guessing that is not the right answer.

She finishes and I look in the mirror. I see...a big. brown. poofball. dang it. sigh.

"thanks. so, how am i supposed to tip you? can i charge it to the room?" i am trying to be all business so i can leave.

I desperately try to tame down the poofball on my way back up to the room. when i get inside the hotel room it is flatter. ok. now it isn't so bad. maybe i should have been a little more generous with the praise to the old lady. ahh. i will tip her well.

Dear DSL

Dear Daylight Savings,

I owe you an apology. I have spent my whole life resenting your very existence. I have loathed that you not only take away an hour of my critical sleep year after year, but from the rest of the country as well. Do you want people to be sleep-deprived? Every spring I renew my vow to ignore you completely. I repent of my hateful thoughts.

This year, my son woke up at 7am my time. He was cranky before he even opened his eyes. I spent the next two hours trying to cheer him up. Didn't work. I offered food and he flung it away and yelled in disgust "nuuu." I take away the food and he whines implying "how dare you?" He cried for me to pick him up, put him down, for me to pick up the thing he dropped for the upteenth time. He crawls away from me and then points to me and cries implying "i want you. why are you so far away?" Then my husband says, "Hey, since its daylight savings time, Ethan gets to go nap an hour early." I feel the clouds in my heart begin to lift. My heart shines with hope renewed. Yes. Naptime early. I lay him down to sleep after 20 minutes of rocking. I sneak away to go to the gym. I grab my book and my cell phone. Yes, he will probably wake in 30-40 minutes and cry and wonder why I have left him in the crib (aka Gitmo). But that is his big Daddy's problem now isn't it? I'm going to exercise away my morning choice of pancakes and my book from the library.

Your Friend, Beth

Naked

My son kicks his legs into the air and laughs as his naked bottom hits the soft sheets on the bed. He squeals with delight as he feels all the different textures across his naked self. He truly represents to me someone who delights in the wonder of living and all the good life has to offer when he is in this state. Naked. He sees me coming with a diaper and jammies in hand. He makes a quick turn onto his stomach and crawls quickly to the bedpost. He begins to baby pole dance to the headboard. He looks back at me and smiles with a gleeful glint in his eye. I advance forward trying not to crack up with laughter. He makes his next move by getting down from his pole dance to crawl to the opposite side of the bed that I am trying to grab him from. I leap across the mattress and grab him by the feet before he plummets head first onto the floor. I turn him over and do my best to wrestle the diaper on. He gives mournful wails. His last plea to postpone the inevitable doom that will become his reality. Bedtime.

15 minutes later he has been diapered, pajammed, fed, and we are rocking in the dark bedroom. The cries of despair have ceased. He lays his head on my chest (his little pillows). He reaches his little hand up and strokes my cheek and whispers, "Mama." I melt and have overwhelming feelings of love toward my little one. Then he takes his precious little finger and pokes me in the eye and giggles.